Not Letting You Go
by montez
Summary: As the unthinkable happens, will the Eppes family be able to let Charlie know how much he means to them before it's to late? Comp. of Normal?, Big Brother-Baby Brother & Our Boys read first to understand this one final installment.
1. Chapter 1

Not Letting You Go

By Montez

Disclaimer: standard, don't own, never will

Author note: This is the final installment of my stories: **Normal?**, **Big Brother-Baby Brother **and **Our Boys. **This will be a normal story format with POV's changing as they would throughout a normal story.

Hope this meets any expectations anyone may have. Thank you all for reading the other stories and bear with me on this one. Thanks

"Love You"

Those two words, whispered out by his now limp thirteen-year-old brother were enough to set Donnie Eppes into action. He only gave into his emotions, crying out 'No, No, No….', for a few brief seconds. After that, he fell quickly into the lifesaving training he had learned the previous summer as a life guard, later not recalling how it could have happened, he became calm and rational.

"CHARLIE!" he yelled as he laid his brother flat in the hallway, his mother and father forgotten across from him. He reached for Charlie's neck; fear stilled his nerves when he felt no pulse. He leaned over to listen, no breath sounds or warm air emitted from his brother's mouth. Donnie tilted Charlie's head back and quickly blew in two breaths then straightened himself to start chest compressions.

"DONNIE STOP, YOU'LL HURT HIM" Margaret yelled, her terrified mind not registering that her eldest son was trying to save her youngest's life. Alan knew what Donnie was doing, he had been the one to take him to the training. Alan held Margaret whispering reassurances to her.

Again, two breaths then compressions, Donnie had entered a rhythm. He never noticed his father disappear to let the EMTs in, he just continued: breathe-compressions, breathe-compressions. His rhythm didn't stop until he felt his father's strong arms pull him away as two paramedics took over, placing a tube down Charlie's throat to push in air and attaching the defibrillator.

The sight of his brother's small, pale body reacting to the current being sent to his heart and the sound of his mother's anguished cry brought Donnie out of his self-imposed trance. After the second shock they got a rhythm and the questions started; What's his name?…How old is he?…. Can you tell us what happened?"

Donnie was the first to speak, "Ch-Charlie. He- he's 13.." A thought suddenly accruing to him, he raced into his brother's room and quickly picked up the prescription bottle he had noticed earlier. He started crying out even before he got back to the door. "This!…I-I think he took th-this!" An EMT took the bottle, glancing at it and frowning, placing it in the bag next to him. Margaret immediately recognized the bottle, "Oh God, this is my fault," she cried, Alan pulling her to her feet as the EMTs got Charlie onto the stretcher and prepared to move him. One paramedic was pushing air into his still form.

As they quickly, but carefully got Charlie to the front door of the Craftsman, the female EMT glanced at Alan asking, "Who's coming?"

Alan felt Margaret's hand tighten on his arm as he unconsciously held her tighter, he glanced at her face, seeing the fear, knowing no matter how strong of a woman she normally was, she couldn't do this alone, "Both of us, please, can we both come?"

The paramedic looked at him sympathetically, "One of you will have to ride up front." Alan nodded as they followed them out the door, "Th-thank you…." Alan helped Margaret into the back with Charlie. His attention turned momentarily toward his oldest son, now standing on the front porch, unsure what to do, "Donnie, follow us in the car son." Alan then quickly climbed in the front. Donnie watched as the vehicle carrying his baby brother, sped down the street, sirens blearing.

He turned slowly, walking back into the house, a million thoughts going through his mind. He knew he needed to get the keys to the car, he knew he needed to hurry and get to the hospital. Yet he found himself slowly walking back up the stairs; back toward his baby brother's room. Stepping over the discarded medical packages the EMT"S had used, he reached for the light switch on the wall. The light seemed so much brighter than before, as if it was trying to blind him to what had just happened.

He saw the overturned glass, Charlie had apparently used, on the floor, the EMT had taken the pill bottle with them. The room looked surprisingly normal considering what had just occurred. Donnie sat heavily on the bed and put his head in his hands. Suddenly the control he had managed to keep broke, he was shaken by sobs. The kind that shake your entire body and try to steal your breath. He couldn't ever remember crying this hard.

"WHY!!!"

He yelled at the top of his voice. As the echo of his anguished cry faded his eyes fell on a notebook lying nearly hidden under the bed. Notebooks and Charlie were hand-in-hand, but this one was different. Instead of being full of numbers and equations, this one was full of words. He picked it up and read the first line:

_I'm sorry, I wish I was normal……….._

His breath caught in his throat as he realized what he was holding. It was Charlie's suicide note. His head swam at the thought of his baby brother even knowing what a suicide note was. He couldn't read any further, not now. He jumped up, clutching the notebook close. He ran down the stairs, grabbing the keys as he passed the table and ran out the back door toward the garage. He had to get to the hospital and he had to get there now. He couldn't loose his brother, he wouldn't.

He broke nearly all the speed laws between the house and the hospital. Fortunately every cop between the two places must have been on break as he wasn't stopped once.

The ride to the hospital was silent except for the beeping of the monitor that was attached to Charlie and the rhythm of the EMT pushing air into his still chest. The silence was occasionally broken as the EMT relayed Charlie's vitals to the hospital, and by Margaret's sobs as she held the limp, cool hand of her baby. The halo of dark curls framing his pale face gave him a peaceful, angelic look that frightened her. Alan kept glancing back from the passenger seat, tears streaming down his face as he again asked the driver, "How much farther?" His question was answered with the call to dispatch that their ETA was two minutes. The driver was informed that additional medical personnel were standing by for their arrival.

As they pulled into the ambulance bay, Alan saw several people who rushed to the rear of the rig as it came to a halt. Before she was ready to let go, Charlie's hand was pulled from Margaret's grip as the EMT followed him out, still pushing air into his chest.

"White male…13.…name's Charlie….possible overdose of sleeping pills….ingestion less then 30 minutes, unknown number ingested. No pulse or respiration upon arrival, CPR was being performed though."

Margaret was being guided by Alan as they followed the stretcher that carried Charlie through the emergency room doors.

"Okay, I'll need a vent attached, we also need to prep him for a stomach pump, do we know what he took?" The paramedic thrust the pill bottle into the doctors hand, he glanced at it. "I want tox screens to find out how much of this is in his system……." The doctor's voice trailed off and as they went through another door, a nurse blocked Margaret and Alan's way.

"I need to be with him, please." Margaret pleaded.

"I'm sorry, we can't let you into the trauma rooms, the doctors need room to work, please have a seat and someone will be out as soon as they know something." The nurse turned and disappeared behind the doors that very well could be separating Charlie from his family forever.

"Alan?" Margaret turned and looked at her husbands tear stained face that matched her own, "Why?…..Why did my baby do this?" She pleaded for an answer that Alan couldn't give.

"I don't know….I don't know….." He whispered as he drew her close, holding her tightly, leading her to one of the waiting chairs.

Donnie pulled into one of the ER parking spots and turned the engine off. He had barely been able to see through the tears as he drove. He looked at the notebook he'd tossed onto the seat beside him. He needed to know _why_, before he went inside, he needed to know _why_. With shaking hands he reached for the notebook, turning on the dome light, wiping his eyes, he read:

_I'm sorry, I wish I was normal._

_You all have sacrificed so much for me. I took away your normal family life when this 'curse' I have was discovered. _

_Nobody can begin to understand what is going on in my head. I wish I could shut it off but I can't. I've taken up enough of your lives. Mom shouldn't have to go with me away from dad and Donnie._

_I've taken so much from Donnie._

_I took his normal childhood away; even his parents, He gave up so much for me and I'm sorry. I hope he can have his normal life back once I'm gone. _

_I ruined high school for him. I don't want to ruin his graduation too. That should be his. His life can be his own again after tonight. _

_After tonight, mom and dad won't have to fight anymore about where I'll go to school. Mom won't have to give up more of her family for me. _

_This is the only way I know to make the numbers stop and give my family their normal life back. _

_After tonight everything will better._

_I'll miss them. I love them so much, especially Donnie._

_Though I doubt he cares. I'll miss him most._

Donnie sat and stared. Could his brother really have thought they'd be better off without him? That _he'd_ be better off without him? His breathing was becoming quick, as he stumbled from the car. The notebook was clutched to his chest, as if it was a life line to Charlie. His head swam as he made his way toward the emergency room entrance. He needed to get inside, to get to his brother and tell him he was so wrong.

He didn't hear the nurse ask him if he was okay as he stumbled along the wall, his breath coming harder. Alan had been splitting his attention between the trauma room doors and the entrance, becoming worried when Donnie hadn't arrived right after them. The nurse's concerned voice caught his attention as he looked again toward the entrance. He saw the pale, stumbling form of his eldest son making his way down the hall. Brushing off the nurses attempt to help him.

"Donnie?" Alan pulled away from Margaret, who had looked up when she heard Alan's voice.

"Dad", Donnie's voice choked out as he saw his father rise. He stopped and leaned his head against the wall, his breathing coming in gasps. The nurse was still beside him, trying to help him remain standing. "Daddy, I'm sorry", Donnie choked as his knees gave out.

Alan ran forward. The nurse had managed to slow Donnie's fall, Alan reached him and slide down to the floor holding his son upright, "Donnie?" Alan took his sons face into his hands, he saw panic and fear in Donnie's eyes.

"Sir you need to slow your breathing down." Donnie vaguely heard the nurse's voice as he focused on his father. Alan became aware of Donnie moving his hands, trying to push something toward him. He looked down and saw the notebook, then looked again at Donnie.

"Dad…." Donnie was gasping between words, tears streaming down his face. "it's……Charlie's…….suicide note…." Donnie was breathing so heavily Alan feared he'd pass out, but as the words just spoken sunk in Alan just stared at Donnie, then at the notebook, then back at Donnie again.

Suddenly an automated alarm sounded over the hospital PA, "All emergency personnel…Trauma Room 2, immediate assistance Trauma 2. Code Blue. Repeat, Code Blue, Trauma 2" Alan's attention was ripped from the notebook as he heard Margaret's terrified scream,

"CHARLIE!!!!"

Author note: want to take a minute and thank Fraidycat who offered her Beta services to me. She gave me some really great ideas and points to ponder. However in the end any errors are all mine. Hope they aren't to bad though and that you enjoyed the beginning chapter, still a work in process and may take me a little time, but please stick with me and I'll try my best not to disappoint. Thanks


	2. Chapter 2

Not Letting You Go

Chapter 2

"CHARLIE!!!"

Margaret's scream, over the sound of the 'Code Blue' announcement, caught the attention of both Alan and Donnie. His mother's cry snapped Donnie's thoughts back into focus. He was up and running before either Alan or the nurse realized.

"CHARLIE!!!", he called out, mirroring his mother's own anguished cry, as he ran past her and through the forbidden doors of the trauma unit. Alan and the nurse were quickly on his heels. Donnie froze at the door, watching as nearly a dozen people worked frantically to save his brother's life.

"NO CHARLIE!," He cried, feeling a pressure on his shoulder, but not acknowledging his father's presence beside him. They watched as Charlie again reacted to the current being sent to his heart. "Don't You Give Up CHARLIE!!!" Donnie watched as the third shock was sent, painfully arching the small form off the exam table, "I need you Charlie……I Love You!!!……Don't You Leave Me!!!!!"

Donnie had been struggling against his father's grip, but that grip was now replaced by a firmer one, "Sir, you have to leave, you can't be back here…..**now**, sir." The security guard seemed to materialize from nowhere, but now he had a hold of Donnie's arm, pulling him through the door.

"I Love You Charlie…..DON'T….." Don continued to struggle against the guard's grip, who nonetheless gently, but firmly pushed him through the doors and up against the wall outside them.

"Donnie….Donnie, please", his mother was pleading with him, "Calm down." He didn't listen as he continued to struggle, needing to be with his brother.

"Sir, if you don't stop, I'll have to ask you to leave the hospital."

That got his attention. Alan gently pushed the guard aside and took his son's face in his hands. "Donnie, listen to me," Alan's remarkably calm voice, hiding all the emotion he was feeling, had a soothing effect on his son, "You have to calm down, this isn't helping Charlie. They will make you leave if you don't." Donnie looked at his father, understanding crossing his face. He felt a gentle touch on his hand as for the first time that night he truly looked at his mother.

"Donnie, please." Tears were streaming down her face, her emotion-laced whisper getting his attention.

He'd never seen her like this, she seemed so vulnerable, so terrified, "Mom?" He pulled her to him and held her, "Mom, I'm sorry….It's my fault." He cried into his mother's shoulder as he felt her hold him tight. "No baby, no" she whispered.

The security guard backed away, sensing the young man before him was no longer going to be a problem. He glanced back at the grieving family as he walked away, watching the father step up and wrap his arms around the remaining members of his family. His mind drifting to the sleeping children he had at home waiting for him. His children were younger, but the older one did show the same type of protectiveness toward the baby. He couldn't imagine how his family would react to the life and death struggle this one is enduring. He silently sent up a prayer for the family, then stepped toward the nurse's desk to find a phone. He felt the need to let his family know he loved them.

After a few moments the three made their way to a row of waiting room chairs. Margaret sat between Alan and Donnie, whose hand still gripped hers tightly. The nurse who had followed Donnie approached him with the notebook that he had discarded in her hand. "You dropped this," With a shaking hand he took it. Giving him a sympathetic look, one she had mastered after years of emergency room work, she offered a quiet, "I'm sorry," then turned, walking away.

Margaret watched the nurse leave, her attention turning toward Donnie, "What is that?" She whispered. He looked at her, then his eyes met his father's. Alan remembered what Donnie said was contained in that notebook, "Son, let me have it."

"Alan, what is it?" Margaret's voice took on a more confused tone. She could tell by the way they were acting that there was something about the notebook that they didn't want her to see.

"I really don't think right now…."

His protest was cut off as Margaret's voice became stronger, "_What Is It?" _She reached out for it as Donnie tried to pass it to his father, neither expecting her to grab it from Alan's grasp. They watched as she started reading the scribbled words that covered the page, her face paled, not believing her baby had wrote this. She started shaking her head, murmuring to herself. "No……Oh God…..How could he think that?….." she looked up, then, at Alan then Donnie. Her eyes narrowed slightly as she looked at her son. Donnie saw something flash in his mother's eye. When she spoke again, her voice was unexpectedly angry.

"What did you do?!" Donnie just looked at her, confused. She raged on. "What did you say to him?!"

Donnie knew deep down that his mother wasn't truly blaming him, but her words were hurting like nothing had ever hurt him in his life. "Mom….I…."

"He thinks he ruined your life…..Is that what you tell him?!" She was on her feet now, looking down at him. Donnie had never seen his mother so angry.

"Mom….No…..I"

A loud smack stopped his words, as his head snapped to the right. Alan was on his feet in an instant, pulling Margaret back a few steps, "MARGARET!" He'd never raised his voice to his wife, but he had never seen her lay a hand on one of the boys, either. Donnie's hand had automatically gone to his cheek as he brought his head back around looking up, tears in his eyes, stunned, at his mother. The anger that had just been on her face was now replaced with fear and shock. Shock at what she had just done. She looked into Alan's face and saw anger there. He had never truly been angry with her, "Margaret, that was uncalled for…" He released her arm and looked at Donnie, eye's full of concern, "Son?"

Donnie still sat with a stunned expression on his face. His mother, who had hardly ever raised her voice at him in his near eighteen years, had just struck him. He looked up at her with tears trailing down his face, "I'm sorry." He whispered out, unsure what else to say. He stood, pushing by his parents, heading toward the hospital entrance.

"DONNIE!!" Margaret called after him, but Alan held her back, "God I'm so sorry, Alan I didn't….." Alan stopped her, "You need to give him a minute, he won't leave."

"How do you know?…I never meant…." Margaret started crying again.

"He won't leave because his brother needs him," Alan answered, taking Margaret into his arms. He prayed that what was happening wasn't tearing his family apart for good. Alan stood holding his wife, watching his son walk out the doors of the hospital, torn as to what to do, when he heard the words they had been waiting to hear:

"Family of Charlie Eppes?"


	3. Chapter 3

Not Letting You Go

Chapter 3

Alan and Margaret had just watched their oldest walk out the entrance of the hospital. Loss, shock and despair had visibly shown on his face as he had brushed past them just moments before; not only from the events that had taken place at the house, his discovery of the note, but also from the seemingly unbearable pain of his mothers actions. Her lashing out at him, not only verbally, but physically as well, had pushed him over the edge.

In the instant the exit doors closed on their eldest son, the doors behind them, that they had been anxiously waiting to open, soundlessly did.

"Family of Charlie Eppes"

The distraught couple turned as one as a very weary looking doctor approached them, "Mr. and Mrs. Eppes?" He held out his hand to shake Alan's, "I'm Dr. McDonald. Could you please follow me?" They exchanged fearful glances, terrified as to what the doctor might be getting ready to tell them.

Dr. McDonald led them to a small room and closed the door, "Please have a seat." He took the chair across from the couch, where Margaret and Alan chose to sit.

"Please tell me my baby is alright?" Margaret pleaded as Alan kept his arm around her shoulder.

The doctor unconsciously released a tired sigh, "At the moment he is still alive." Relief flashed in the faces of the parents across from him. "But…" That one word was all it took to take the relief away again, "He's in a coma."

A quiet cry escaped Margaret as Alan looked at the doctor. "Will he be okay?"

"Mr. and Mrs. Eppes, I won't lie to you. We really are not sure. The amount of the depressant in his system is extremely high, even though he was discovered within minutes of its ingestion. This particular drug has what is known as a rapid release coating. It releases a higher dose of the medication, in this case sleeping pills, then the slower release medication is under that coating. We were able to pump his stomach, but from what we could tell he ingested about 25 of the pills and it appears that the outer coating on most of them had already dissolved away. That is why the reaction time was so immediate. With his small stature it just took those few moments to take effect."

He watched closely the parents across from him. He had dealt with parents of suicide-attempt victims before, but never with a patient this young. However the expressions were always the same-disbelief. "We're currently flushing his system to try and remove the drug as quickly as possible, but it will still take as long as a couple of days before we know anymore as to his prognosis. I was informed by the paramedics that he was non-responsive and not breathing at the scene, but that CPR was being performed. For what it's worth, the reason I'm bring this up is that yes, his heart also stopped here in the ER-- mostly from the depressed body functions the drug causes-- but if he had not been able to be revived at the scene, we would be having a totally different conversation. If I may ask, who was the one who started the CPR so quickly?"

"Donnie", Alan answered quietly. "That was Donnie, our other son. He was a life-guard last summer and took the course at the Red Cross. Donnie knew what to do."

Realization dawned on both Margaret and Alan at the same time as they heard the doctor praise Donnie's actions at the house. "Well it was definitely very smart and quick thinking on his part. He is most likely the very reason your youngest son has been able to make it this far."

Margaret gasped looking at Alan, "What have I done?…….God Alan, I blamed him……and if it wasn't…."

What little composure she had broke and Alan took her in his arms. "You were upset…..you weren't thinking clearly…..he'll understand." He held her tight as she cried, looking across to the doctor again. "Can we see Charlie?"

"We'll be moving him up to the ICU soon. He's on a ventilator for now. Until the drug can be worked out of his system, he is unable to breathe effectively on his own. This should improve; however,

until then he will be able to be closely monitored in that unit. You can come back for just a minute before he goes up. We are trying to make special arrangements that will allow you to stay with him upstairs."

Alan nodded gratefully, pulling Margaret up with him as they rose from the couch, then stepped out the door the doctor was holding open for them. Then they quietly followed the doctor through the trauma room doors, finally being allowed to see their baby boy.

They walked into the curtained area of Trauma Room 2 and were first assaulted by the mechanical whooshing of the ventilator pushing air in and out of Charlie's chest. "Oh God, Charlie!" Margaret broke away from Alan and rushed forward, placing her hand on his dark mop of curls. She pressed her forehead to his whispering, "Oh baby why?"

Alan looked at all the equipment that was keeping his son alive. Tubes and wires were coming and going from him; it was surreal to look at. He stepped next to Margaret, placing his hand on her back, just staring at his son. A minute was really all they were allowed and a nurse soon approached them, "We're moving him upstairs now. The ICU is on the fourth floor. You'll be able to see him again in about an hour."

"Please can I go up with him, please?" Margaret pleaded with the nurse, who glanced at the doctor.

A slight nod was given. "All right, but once we're up there you can't come into the room until he's settled." Margaret nodded, not taking her eyes off Charlie.

"I'm going to find Donnie," Alan leaned in toward Margaret and whispered. He then took one of his son's small hands into his own, holding it ever-so-gently, He brought it to his lips and kissed the palm saying, "Don't give up son, we love you too much." Leaning in Alan kissed Charlie's forehead and stepped back and watched as Charlie was pushed from the room, Margaret right beside the bed trying to keep a hold on his hand. Alan watched as they disappeared into the elevator, then turned, heading for the front exit to find Donnie.

As the doors closed behind him Donnie felt that his world was shattering around him. He had walked into his brother's room hoping to find out what had been bothering him, only to find him in the middle of what he now knew was a full-on suicide attempt. Reading the note had taken his breath from him. Then the code being called, his mother's anguished cry, then her anger. He had never known his mother to sound or look so angry, and to direct that anger at him. Somewhere in the rational part of his brain he knew she was scared. Reading that note, her fear had turned into misguided anger and she had lashed out at the first convenient target. When he had read the note himself, he had known that what Charlie had done was his fault. He was sure he had been pushing his brother away and without actually saying it, had made Charlie feel that he didn't want him around. He somehow felt his mother was justified in her anger, but that didn't make it any easier.

As he stood for a second he allowed the cool air to hit his face as the tears fell. The sting of his mother's hand was forever embedded into his soul. It would be a constant reminder of how terrible a brother, how terrible a son he had been. Without a backwards glance, he began to run. The hospital's parking lot was huge and as he ran he saw a cluster of trees near the back edge. This is where he headed, and as he reached the first tree he angrily slammed his hands against it, allowing a near primal growl to escape from his throat. Turning, he let himself slide down the side of the tree, pulling his knees to his chest. He wanted nothing more than to curl into so tight of a ball that he may well disappear in on himself. Laying his head on his knees, he cried. He was so sure that his brother was dead. The last he had seen of his brother was the arching of his body up off the exam table as they were sending another shock to his heart. After that no one had come out to tell them anything.

He cried for the loss of his brother, whom he loved more than anything. He understand now that he had never let the kid know it, so he had let him die thinking his own brother hadn't loved him. He cried for the pain and anger in his mother's accusing words; words that he felt were justified. Mostly he cried for himself, not knowing how he would or could possibly go on living without his little brother in his life.

This is how Alan found him. He had come out the doors needing nothing more than to find Donnie. He knew his son was scared, upset and confused, and his only desire at the moment as a father was to find and comfort his hurting son. Looking around the expanse of the parking lot he didn't immediately see Donnie, but as he searched farther he noticed the cluster of trees at the back of the lot. Alan instinctively knew that would be where he would find him. Since Donnie had been a small boy, when he would become upset or scared, he would hide. Usually it was in the tree in the backyard. As he headed toward the trees, he remembered a time when he had found a very scared and upset four-year-old Donnie under the hydrangea bush in the back yard. Donnie had been scared because his mother, pregnant with Charlie at the time, had been rushed to the hospital after some abnormal bleeding.

Alan stopped and stared at the sight before him. His heart broke to see his son, whom he had lately been trying so hard to see as the young man he was becoming, curled in onto himself never looking more like a scared, lost child. Alan quietly approached his son and sat down next to him. Without a word he put his arm around Donnie's shoulders and pulled him close. To his surprise there was no resistance. Instead he felt his son lean heavily onto him, and snake his shaking arms around Alan's waist.

They sat like that for a while until Donnie spoke, his voice heavy with emotion. "He's dead isn't he?"

Alan kissed the top of his son's head. "No, Donnie, he's not."

He felt Donnie pull back some to look into his father's eyes. "He's not?" Donnie couldn't believe his ears. Was it really true that his little brother hadn't been taken from him?

"Donnie," Alan's tone became serious and his voice as clear as he could get it, "He's in a coma. They don't know when he will wake."

"Dad……I'm sorry…..this is all my fault." Donnie couldn't look at his father.

"How do you figure that?" Alan was trying to read his son's face, trying to see where this was coming from.

"I pushed him away. I may not have said what he wrote, but I probably did make him feel that way…I didn't mean to." The words had come out in such a pain filled voice.

Alan watched as his son stared across the parking lot back toward the hospital. "Donnie, I can't begin to explain what Charlie might have been feeling or how he views things. None of us can do that. However, I'll tell you now, this is **not ** your fault. If anyone is to blame, it is your mother and I. Maybe we have pushed him, maybe we have missed how pressured he was really feeling. Believe me, son; in no way do I see any of this as your fault."

"But mom does," Donnie whispered out.

"Donnie, look at me," When Donnie didn't lift his face to his father's, Alan reached and gently did it for him. "Your mother doesn't blame you. She is scared, she is confused. Just like me and you, she can't figure out how this happened. She took the writing in that notebook, by your very scared and confused, brother and somehow believed for a moment that she had found an outlet for her own fear and confusion. She wasn't thinking clearly. Donnie, your mother loves you! She doesn't blame you. Nothing justifies what happened or what she did, but please understand it was irrational fear that caused it and in no way was it what is in her heart. She loves you Donnie-remember that."

They sat in silence for a few moments. Finally Donnie broke the quiet. "Can I see Charlie?"

"They were taking him up to the ICU. He's on a ventilator, and they will be able to watch him more closely there. They said once he's settled we can stay with him."

"I want to go see him." Donnie stood and offered a hand to his father.

Once standing Alan took his son into his arms. Holding him close, he whispered, "Donnie, there's something very important you need to know." Donnie tried to pull back, but Alan just held him tighter. "You're the reason he's alive right now."

Confusion passed over his face as he looked at his father, "What?…..How?"

"The CPR. You started it right away, and you kept everything going for him until help arrived. The doctor said that if you hadn't done that he wouldn't have made it this far." Alan turned his head to kiss Donnie on the cheek before he spoke quietly into his ear. "I love you son….and thank you." Donnie didn't know how to respond other than to bury his face into his father's shoulder and squeeze tighter. "Let's go see your brother," Alan said as they parted, keeping his hand on his son's back as they started back toward the hospital.

A/N: sorry for the slight delay on posting, I developed a sinus infection that knocked me around about like the flu does. I've been a little slow getting my work to my wonderful Beta-FraidyCat, but I have been working on the rest of the story and hope to have another chapter up soon. Thanks for your patients and reviews- they make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.


	4. Chapter 4

Not Letting You Go

Chapter 4

The ride up the elevator was quiet. Neither Donnie nor Alan spoke, each lost in their own thoughts. As the soft 'ding' indicated that they had reached their floor, the doors quietly opened. They made their way down the halls, following the signs to the Pediatric ICU. Rounding the last corner, they saw Margaret sitting on the bench outside the unit.

She glanced up, sensing someone else's presence in the hall. "Oh Donnie!" She stood, quickly making her way toward him. Donnie's pace increased to a near-run as he reached his mother, who immediately embraced him. "Oh God Donnie, I'm so sorry baby. I never meant any of it. I'm so sorry." She hugged him tight.

"It's okay mom, I know." He held her close.

She pulled back, gently taking his face in her hands. "Oh, baby, I never…" Her words were broken by her shuddering breath.

Donnie placed his hands over hers. "I know Momma, I know." She again pulled him into a tight embrace.

Alan, watched quietly from a few feet away for a moment, then silently stepped forward. "When can we see him?"

"I don't know, they've had him back there a while. Hopefully soon." Margaret glanced at Alan, then turned her attention back to Donnie. She had dropped her hands from his face, but only so that she could grasp one of his hands with her own.

"Mom you need to sit back down." Donnie noticed the exhaustion and worry on his mother's face. He saw the same look on his father's face, and suspected that it was mirrored on his own as well. He led his mother back to the bench she had risen from, sitting next to her. Alan settled on the other side of her. Again, together as a family, they waited for another set of doors to open; the ones that would allow them to see Charlie.

About twenty minutes later Dr. McDonald finally came through that set of doors. They all stood as he approached.

"Mr. and Mrs. Eppes. We have Charlie settled. We've got him in a private area and made accommodations so that you will be able to remain with him, as long as you don't interfere with the nursing staff and their work." The doctor's gaze turned toward Donnie. "You must be the older brother?" Dr. McDonald held out his hand toward him and Donnie shook it.

'Yes. Dr. McDonald, this is Donnie." Alan answered

"I don't know if your parents told you, but your obvious quick thinking is what has allowed you brother to survive this long." Donnie lowered his gaze. He had been feeling responsible for Charlie being here, all right, but not because he had saved his life with the CPR. He felt it was his fault that his brother needed it in the first place. The doctor noted the despondent look on Donnie's face. Not really being sure how to interpret it he turned back to Alan and Margaret. "If you'll follow me, I'll show you to Charlie's room."

In silence the family followed the doctor to a closed glass door. The curtain had been pulled at the entrance. "As you were told downstairs," the doctor started, reviewing Charlie's prognosis, "He will remain on the ventilator for the remainder of time it will take the drug to be flushed from his system, which could be from a day to a few days. We can't tell you for certain right now when Charlie might wake up. He will have blood work done about every six hours. As soon as we think it won't interfere with his breathing any longer, we will start to wean him off the ventilator. His blood pressure is lower than we'd like. However, that too is being monitored very closely. We also expect his heart rate, which is lower than normal, to slowly return as his system is cleaned out." He checked to make sure he hadn't said anything that they may have forgotten about. "Do you have any other questions?"

None of them spoke, each of them nearly consumed by his or her own anguish, desperate to see Charlie. Especially Donnie; he wanted to see and touch his brother, to prove to himself that he was indeed still alive.

"If you do have any questions later, the nurses can page me." With that, the doctor pushed the button on the wall, and they watched as the door soundlessly retracted. The nurse in the room held the curtain aside and allowed the Eppes access.

There were absolutely no words for Donnie to use to describe his thoughts or feelings as he watched the curtain being pulled back. In the bed before him was what seemed to be the smallest, stillest figure he had ever seen. Donnie was nearly a head taller than Charlie, and looking at him now, Charlie never seemed more like a child. Donnie was used to the annoying little brother whom he would find in his room going through his stuff, because according to Charlie-Donnie had cool stuff; or following him around the house begging to play basketball with him. Even when Charlie was sitting with his tutors at the dining room table, seemingly engrossed in a problem, he was still in motion; whether bouncing the pencil or pacing behind his chair as he thought. This though, this was so unnatural, for him to be so still.

Margaret and Alan themselves stood motionless for a moment, although each wanted nothing more than to rush toward Charlie. However, they had seen him downstairs and knew what to expect. This was Donnie's first chance to see his brother without the thought that he was dead. So they watched him.

They watched as Donnie suddenly paled. His eyes darted around the room, until he found what he was looking for. He rushed toward the trashcan and collapsed to his knees, throwing up all the food he felt he had ever eaten. He felt a soft touch on his back. He heard his mother's calming words, "It's okay baby."

Donnie closed his eyes, trying to regain some control of himself. He then slowly pushed himself up and stood, slightly shaking. A nurse had come into the room with a cup of water and a damp towel. He silently nodded his thanks. Rinsing his mouth, then taking a small sip, he looked sheepishly at Margaret. "I'm okay mom." he whispered, not really convincing his mother. However, Margaret stepped back giving him some space.

Donnie again turned to face his brother, slowly walking to Charlie's side. He jumped slightly when for the first time he noticed the mechanical rise and fall of his brother's chest. Donnie cautiously reached his hand out and placed it on top of Charlie's, careful of the IV that was leading to it.

"Oh God….He feels so cold." He looked at his parents. "Are you sure?" They both nodded at Donnie's unspoken question of 'are you sure he's alive?' Donnie then placed his other hand on top of the array of curls and lowered his forehead to touch Charlie's. He allowed a tear to escape as he closed his eyes. "Why Buddy…….why?"

After a few moments Donnie felt a soft touch on his back and knew it was his father. Alan had pulled a chair up behind Donnie and now was gently trying to get him to sit. Donnie never released the hold he had on his baby brother's hand. He glanced across Charlie and noticed that his mother had taken up a nearly identical position on the other side with Alan taking a seat next to her.

Over the next several hours as the nurses came and went, they watched. They watched as the Eppes family held vigil over its youngest member.

At some point through the night Margaret and Donnie gave in and allowed their exhaustion to claim them. Alan had managed to get Margaret to the small couch that had been provided for them, but was unable to get Donnie to leave his brother's side, even in sleep.

Alan watched the latest nurse complete her routine check of her patient. She smiled at him and left. Alan then stood up next to Charlie's bed. He looked at his baby boy. How had he managed to not notice that he was still a child? Charlie's intelligence was beyond anything anyone could possibly understand. Watching him at work you could easily forget that he was still a thirteen year old child. Lately, with all the college offers they had been trying to sort through, he had allowed himself to forget just how young and vulnerable his son was. Alan glanced at the side table and saw the now-closed notebook that bore the proof that they had failed him; that none of them had any clue to Charlie's true thoughts, feelings or fears. How could a parent miss that?, he wondered. How could you see your child everyday of his life and not really know him?

Alan looked back at the small still form. Charlie had never been so still in his entire life. Alan began thinking back to the first few months of his baby boy's life. He had never been a quiet baby either. Charlie had been born a month early, when Margaret had unexpectedly started bleeding in her eighth month. The doctors, for fear of her losing the baby, decided to induce labor and deliver Charlie early. They had assured Alan that the risks of an early delivery were far lower then the risk of the bleeding and possible loss of the pregnancy. So, Charlie came early. Even the few weeks that Charlie had spent in the neo-natal unit he was always in motion, even in his sleep. At first the doctors worried it was some type of seizure activity in his brain, but after several test he was declared a healthy baby.

As Charlie grew older he continued to fidget. Once his gift was discovered it was written off as his body's response to his brain; he was trying to keep up with himself. So for Charlie to be this still caused a shiver to go through Alan. Alan quietly moved the chair nearer to Charlie's head. Sitting down he carefully took his son's hand.

"Charlie, son, I don't even know what to say; except that you're wrong. You are normal. We love you son. I love you more then you apparently know. I'm sorry if I never let you know that enough." Alan cleared the emotion from his throat. "I have been in awe of you since you were born. Even more so since you were three. Yes, you frighten me sometimes with what you know, but never once have I ever wished anything different. I know we haven't been as close as I would have liked. You always responded better to your mother." Alan glanced at Margaret, still asleep on the couch. "Just know that I have always, always loved you. You and your brother mean more to me than anything in this world. I love you son, please don't give up on us. You're wrong to think we'd want anything any different. I'll tell you something else, your brother loves you immensely. You fight for him, do you hear me, you fight for Donnie. This is tearing him up. He misses you so much. We love you Charlie, you fight this for us." Alan reached up and kissed his son's forehead and leaned back in the chair. Exhaustion finally found Alan Eppes, but even in sleep, his hand never left his son's.

_you fight for Donnie_

_We all love you Charlie_


	5. Chapter 5

Not Letting You Go

Chapter 5

Donnie awoke to the nurse gently touching his shoulder. "I'm sorry to wake you but we have to check your brother's IV. We also have few other routine procedures we need to take care of as well. Perhaps you would like to stretch your legs, maybe get something to eat, we won't be to long."

Donnie blinked at her a second, not only trying to wake up, but also trying to understand what she was saying. He glanced at Charlie, who's hand he still held, then slowly stood. The nurse had rounded to the other side of the room to wake Alan and Margaret as well. As the exhausted family made its way out the door, another nurse entered, carrying the supplies the nursing staff needed while looking after Charlie. She gave a soft smile as she passed the family reluctantly leaving.

The family moved to the bench they had waited on the night before. They had seen Dr. McDonald making his rounds, and decided to stay close, desperately wanting an update. About twenty minutes later he emerged from Charlie's room, and moved toward them. "Mr. and Mrs. Eppes…..Donnie? Right?" The doctor again shook everyone's hand.

"Alan, please." Alan corrected as he took the doctor's hand.

"How's Charlie?" Donnie spoke up. He wasn't interested in the pleasantries of the morning, he wanted his brother back. He wanted this doctor to tell him how long he was going to have to wait.

"Well I looked over the blood work from overnight and it's about where we expected. The drug still could take some time to get worked out of his system. Once that happens our concern will be any possible long-term damage it could have caused."

"Long-term damage?" Margaret found her voice, "like what?"

"Well, liver or kidney damage could occur. However, that is being monitored and so far we don't see any indication of that. We don't believe there was any damage to his heart, but normally thirteen-year-olds don't need to be resuscitated," Margaret paled, Dr. McDonald noticed Alan moving closer to his wife. "I'm sorry," Detachment was the doctor's coping mechanism. One he unfortunately had to develop over the years from seeing some of the terrible things that his patients and their families sometimes had to go through, he knew it made him seem abrupt at times. He continued, "Our two main concerns will be the chance of this being a long-term coma, which would be hard on his entire system, or the possibility of brain damage from the drug itself."

"WHAT?" Donnie couldn't believe the doctor was saying his brother might not be the same Charlie as before. "No, th..that can't happen. You can't allow there to be any brain damage. You…you don't understand how special he is!" Donnie was becoming extremely upset.

The doctor wanted to be reassuring, but he also knew the possibility of what could happen had to be told. "If there is anything, it will be the brains reaction to the drug." He looked sorrowfully at the family. "You have to understand, this drug was never designed for someone as young as Charlie. Clinical testing conducted with this drug has only been able to tell us so much. However, with the large dose the Charlie ingested, this will truly be a wait and see for us all." The doctor really felt for this young man before him. He was having a really hard time seeing his brother like this.

Don looked pleadingly toward his father. "No…..Dad…..tell him….tell him they have to fix this…..we can't let this happen to him." Alan had crossed over to Donnie and took his son in his arms, trying to calm him. Donnie's fear for his brother ran deep. The first thing Donnie thinks about when he thinks of his brother is his numbers, but his fear was about more than that. He was fearing that something else would be lost. The spark that he sees in his little brother's eye, the spark that tells him how much his little brother admires him. That no one is more important to his little brother than him. It was like the look Charlie would give him at some of his baseball games. Donnie was the teams power hitter and when needed was the one to knock home the winning run in the really close games. Once he would round the bases, listening to the sound of the crowd cheering his name, he would search the stands, looking for his brother's face. It would be one of the few times that Charlie would ignore his numbers and Donnie knew he had his brother's full attention. It was the spark of wonder from his brother's admiring eyes that he was most afraid of loosing.

"Donnie, we don't know yet….please son. Let's get him awake…..we'll deal with what ever happens then." Alan was feeling the same fear that his son was expressing.--not only the fear that Charlie's amazing gift could be lost, but that a part of what makes Charlie-Charlie could be altered. Alan looked at his eldest son,. "We will still have Charlie, no matter what happens. No matter how this turns out, he will still be our Charlie."

"Donnie, please," Margaret touched Donnie's arm.

Donnie looked at his mother. "Mom….Charlie?" The pleading in his voice was breaking his mother's heart. He was desperate for them to understand that they, that he couldn't loose Charlie to this.

Margaret's voice was breaking with emotion from seeing her eldest so upset. "Doctor…please is there any way to know when Charlie might wake up, so we'll know something?"

"As I said, it will take time for everything to be removed from his system. After that, honestly, it will become a waiting game." The doctor paused, taking in the family before him. Never had he felt for a patient's family this way. He could not understand why, with a family as concerned and loving as this one seemed to be, his patient had felt the need to attempt to take his own life. He desperately wanted to help this family, and give them a happy ending.

"I know I can't make you, but please, maybe you should go home for a while, rest, get something to eat. We can call you if anything changes. This is going to take time and in order to truly be available for Charlie, you need to take care of yourselves. I'll be back this evening with an update on his blood-work. Maybe I can give you better news then, but please, go home for a little while at least." With that he gave Alan a sympathetic pat on the shoulder and walked back down the hall.

Alan could see the wisdom in what the doctor had suggested. "He's right, I hate to say it but he's right. We should get some rest, something to eat."

"Alan?" Margaret began to protest but was cut off.

"No Margaret, you need to take care of yourself if you are going to help Charlie. Please?"

"Mom, I'll stay until you guys get back." Donnie stopped his father's attempt to protest, "Dad, please, I'll go home once you both come back. That way he's not alone." Donnie looked at his mom. "Mom, please, you need to rest. I'll watch out for him."

Margaret looked at her son, then placed her hand on his cheek, the same one, she remembered with a chill, that she had, in blind anger and fear, slapped. "You always have." She pulled him to her and kissed that very cheek. "I love you Donnie. Don't ever forget that. You found him last night before it was too late. You've always watched out for him. You're a good brother." She hugged him tight.

Alan also pulled him into a tight embrace. "I love you too Donnie."

"I love you both too." Donnie choked as they separated. Donnie then watched as Alan led Margaret down the hall, toward home. He turned back toward his brother's hospital room, never wanting to protect his brother more in his life.

The drive home was a silent one between Margaret and Alan, each lost in his or her own thoughts. It was late morning as they pulled into the driveway of the Craftsman they loved so much. It was a home that contained so many happy memories, but now was overshadowed by the terrible incident that occurred the previous night.

Alan got out of the car and came around to help Margaret. He opened the door, but she just sat there. "Margaret dear?", he whispered, reaching for her hand.

"I can't go in the front." She spoke so softly he had nearly missed it. "Not until we bring Charlie home through that door. I can't go through it without him." She looked at Alan, and he had never seen her look so broken. She knew it was only a door, but it was the door that a near lifeless Charlie had last gone through on a stretcher. Until she could walk her baby back in it, she would not use the front door of the house.

"We'll go around back." Alan held his hand out and she finally took it. Slowly they made their way around back and into the house.

Alan led his wife to the living room, not ready to take her upstairs. He wanted to see how things looked, to make sure any discarded trash from the night before was thrown away before she had to go up there. Margaret didn't protest when he led her to the couch, retrieving the blanket off the recliner to cover her. To his surprise she quickly fell asleep. He watched her for a moment; the events of the previous night had taken their toll on her, as he was sure they had on himself as well. Alan knew he should rest, but he wanted to take care of the upstairs first.

He glanced at the answering machine as he walked toward the stairs and felt his heart nearly stop. It was blinking, showing they had a message. He felt his insides turn cold, fearing something had happened to Charlie in the short time they had been gone from the hospital. He reluctantly pushed 'play'.

_Beep_

_"Hey Alan, it's Stan. Where are you? When you didn't show up this morning we had to reschedule the meeting. You know it was an important one, call me and let me know what happened?"_

_Beep_

_"Margaret, it's Debbie at the office. We were supposed to meet by ten this morning to go over the notes for court today. Where are you girl? It's 10:30. Call me."_

_Beep_

The messages ended. Thank God no hospital calls, Alan thought as he realized he needed to make a couple of phone calls that they totally forgot about. He went into the kitchen to get the list of numbers from the refrigerator. On the way, he decided to just tell everyone it was a medical emergency and that Charlie had gotten really sick. He wasn't going to go into any details. He retrieved the numbers and made the calls. Everyone was understanding, wishing them well and offering prayers. Alan felt even more drained, if that was possible, after the phone calls. However, he still wanted to take care of upstairs. So he grabbed a couple of trash bags and headed up.

As he reached the top of the stairs he stopped. How could your world change so drastically in a simple, normal place you pass through several times a day? However, proof lay before him. The discarded plastic wrapping for the tubing that was used to get much needed air into Charlie's still lungs. The covering for the needles of the IV that was started. The paper covering for the deliberator pads that were placed on his son's small chest to shock life back into a still heart. Alan felt his knees go weak as he allowed himself to slide down the wall of the hallway.

He had not yet allowed himself to think, to truly think, about what had happened. His family had needed him to be strong, but now, alone in the hallway where one of his son's died and the other helped to bring him back, he couldn't be strong any longer. His breathing hitched as he covered his face with his hands. Trying to remove the events of the night before from his mind would not be as simple as removing the evidence from his sight. Now, in this place that was the crossroads to his family's normal, everyday life, his emotions finally escaped. In the silence of the hallway he let the flood-gates open and Alan Eppes cried.

He had no idea how long he had sat there. He had never felt so emotionally or physically drained. When he was finally gaining some control of his emotions, he took a couple of deep breaths, to help calm the hitched breathing that had come with the breakdown. He slowly pulled himself up to his knees, opened the trash bag and began to discard the physical remnants from the hall, knowing all too well that the mental ones would undoubtedly last a lifetime.

Alan slowly made his way back down the stairs, the trash bag securely tied. He walked it directly to the trashcans outside next to the garage and uncharacteristically slammed it into the nearest can. Taking a moment he glanced around the yard, his eyes landing on the Koi pond. He remembered the day they had finally stocked it with the Koi; Charlie had been so excited. He had just turned four, it was a few months after his gift had been discovered. Immediately Charlie started sitting by the pond, watching the fish, getting excited when he picked up on a pattern one of the fish would swim. No one else really saw them, even when Charlie tried to point them out. His mind never understood why nobody else saw what he did.

Alan shook himself from his thoughts and walked back into the house, through the kitchen and into the living room. Margaret was still curled up at one end of the couch. Not wanting to disturb her, Alan sat in his recliner a few feet away. He leaned his head back, taking a couple of deep breaths, and then closed his eyes. Not since childhood had he spent much time in prayer. However, he felt if there ever was a time to offer a silent prayer, this was the time. He hoped, after all these years, God would still hear him and allow his son to return to them. He felt himself start to drift off and soon sleep claimed his exhausted mind and body.


	6. Chapter 6

Not Letting You Go

Chapter 6

Donnie was allowed back into his brother's room about twenty minutes after their parents had left. He had noticed that one of the nurses had carried out a plastic carry-all basket and assumed that it was for Charlie's next round of testing.

He approached his brother's side, sitting down in the chair, watching the mechanical rise and fall of his brother's chest with almost macabre fascination. He tried to remember the last conversation he'd had with his brother, but found he honestly couldn't remember one. At dinner they had both been quiet, which was unusual for Charlie, not so much for Donnie. Alan and Margaret had discussed what they needed to do the next day, as far as meetings and court times. '_God_', Donnie thought, '_was that today?_'

He thought a second, he really didn't have very many conversations with his brother anymore. They were each doing their own things and honestly, didn't have much in common to talk about. Truth be told when Charlie did talk Donnie only half listened because most of what Charlie said was over Donnie's head. It was always about math and that was usually the last thing Donnie wanted to hear about.

Sitting here, watching his brother, he discovered what he wanted more than anything was to hear his brother's voice spouting some obscure equation about why the baking time and temperature on the back of the cake box made it impossible get the cake done.

Donnie found himself being lulled by the rhythm of the heart monitor and the evenly spaced intervals of the ventilator. He eventually found himself drifting asleep, his hand resting again atop of Charlie's.

It was a couple of hours later when Alan and Margaret arrived back at the hospital. They found Donnie still asleep, his hand gripping his brother's. Margaret looked at her boys sleeping, her mind still not registering how Charlie could have possibly felt what he had written. She still couldn't believe, as a mother, that she had not seen the pain that had seemed to so consume her son.

Then she looked at Donnie. How could she have blamed him for any of this? Yes, she had noticed that Donnie was more distant around Charlie as they had entered and gone through high school. She knew it had been hard on Donnie having his little brother following him around at a time most teenagers were trying to find their own places among their peers. However, she had never seen him be mean toward Charlie. She did see that Donnie was sometimes frustrated by Charlie being at the same school, taking some of the same classes that he took. She knew that, even with some unconscious resentment toward Charlie, Donnie watched out for his brother, always tried to protect him. She knew despite all that he dearly loved his baby brother.

As she watched Donnie's sleeping form, she felt a shiver pass through her body. How could she have lashed out at him? Not only verbally, but she had done the unthinkable, she had physically lashed out at her son. Though he had said that he understood and forgave her, she still saw the pain of that incident in his face. She had to think of a way to make sure Donnie understood that what happened was misplaced anger and that she had no right to take it out on him. She needed to make sure he knew she had been wrong, so very wrong to blame him for anything. She just wasn't sure how. She knew she couldn't think about it right now. Once Charlie was better, though, she'd have to find the time to talk to Donnie, for both of their sakes.

Margaret squatted in front of her eldest son and gently touched his face whispering, "Donnie….time to wake up sweety."

She watched as he slowly blinked his eyes, then quickly straightened up as he saw his mother in front of him, his eye's then fell on Charlie. "Is he okay?"

Margaret followed his gaze. "He's the same. You need to go get cleaned up and get something to eat." Margaret watched as Donnie's eyes went back and forth between his mother and his brother.

Donnie stood slowly. "Mom, I can't…I know I said I'd go when you came back, but I can't leave him, not now." His eyes teared up at the thought of something happening to his brother if he was out of sight again.

Donnie felt the soft touch of his father's hand on his back and turned to look at him. "I thought you might say that." Alan actually gave a slight attempt to a grin. "So I brought you some things to change into, then I'm going to take you to the cafeteria to get something to eat, okay?"

Nervously Donnie looked at his dad and nodded. Suddenly his mother pulled him into an unexpected hug. "It's okay mom." Donnie whispered, returning the embrace. They separated, then Donnie turned and followed his father out of the room.

For the first time Margaret found herself completely alone with Charlie. She watched the rise and fall of his chest, watched as the heart beats flashed across the monitor. All these things told her that her baby boy was still with them, yet he was so far away. She gently sat on the edge of the bed, one hand taking Charlie's hand, the other lying over his chest. With tears rolling down her face she watched as the machine again breathed life into her son.

"How could I not know?" she whispered, "Why didn't you tell me how you were feeling? You've always been able to tell me anything." She sighed, gently pushed a curl from his forehead, ever careful of the ventilator hose taped to the side of his face. "I'm sorry if I pushed you, you just always took everything in and never complained. I wish you would have told me." Her voice cracked with the emotion she was so desperately trying to keep in check. "You need to fight this baby, please. You were wrong," Tears escaped her eyes. "You're our life, we would never want anything different. You and your brother are the most important things to us, to your father and I. I'm so sorry if I somehow lost sight of that. I'm sorry I got so wrapped up in all the amazing things you can do. I did something no mother should ever do; I lost sight of my child. You're still my baby." She felt as if her heart was breaking, the fear that she could still loose Charlie was nearly unbearable. "I'm sorry. Please don't give up baby. We need you--we're not complete without you. You complete our family, don't make us go on without you. We love you--I love you."

_you complete our family_

_we love you_

Margaret let her voice fade into the noise of the machines. She did take a notice of a slight increase in his heart rate from where it had been the first time she had seen him. Margaret wondered if the emotions she was feeling were causing her mind to play tricks on her; could his heart rate really be improving? She remembered the doctor saying something about that being a good sign when his heart rate started to normalize. Perhaps Charlie was hearing her, maybe he was trying to fight his way back to them, to her. Margaret took that tiny bit of improvement and latched onto it, praying it was a sign that maybe, just maybe, this would soon be behind them and they'd have Charlie back.


	7. Chapter 7

Not Letting You Go

Chapter 7

"You alright Donnie?" Alan called through the cracked bathroom door. He was standing guard outside one of the empty restrooms they had managed to find for Donnie to have a little privacy as he tried to clean himself up a bit.

Donnie's muffled voice answered, "Yeah dad, just give me a minute." A few minutes later a little less disheveled-looking Donnie stepped out of the restroom, giving his father an 'I'm okay' half-smile.

Alan placed his hand on his son's shoulder, "Let's get you something to eat." Donnie nodded as they walked toward the elevators to find the cafeteria.

Within a few minutes they were making their way through the line in the cafeteria. If Alan hadn't placed the sandwich and chips onto his son's tray Donnie would have gone through the line getting only a bottle of water and a cup of coffee.

Alan and Donnie found a table in the corner of the room, and they sat Alan studied his son's face. If it was possible, his soon-to-be eighteen-year-old-son looked like he'd aged ten years in the past day. Alan was sure he looked like he'd aged twenty; at least he felt like he had, since seeing his son's, one fighting to save his brother, the other seemingly loosing the battle, in the hallway. "Eat" Alan nudged his son, who then reluctantly took a bite of his sandwich. After a few more minutes of silence Alan spoke. "Do you want to talk?"

Donnie looked at his father, noticing that through the lines of worry and exhaustion, he saw concern. The compassionate concern his father's eyes held showed that he was worried about Donnie. "About what?" Donnie didn't want to add to the burden he knew his father was already carrying, by telling him his fears and concerns.

Alan looked at his son, knowing he was trying to be strong. "Donnie please, this is me, We've always been able to talk."

Donnie leaned back in his chair a bit, rubbing his face. "What do you want me to say dad?…..That I was never more terrified in my life when I felt my baby brother, who I'M supposed to take care of, who I'M supposed to protect, stopped breathing in my arms?" He leaned forward, "Dad….I….I don't even remember doing CPR on him. When you and the doctor mentioned it, I had no memory, I still have no memory of doing it. It's like he stopped breathing and the next minute I was sitting in his room finding that note. Dad I failed him, I let him down. My brother needed me and I pushed him away. He has no real idea how I feel toward him, how in awe I am of him, how proud of him I am…" His voice lowered with his eyes, "…how much I love him." He raised his gaze again to his father, "How can I live with that? " Tears were streaming down Donnie's face. "Dad I nearly lost one of the most important people to me and he doesn't even know it. What does that say about me?" Donnie's voice hitched as he tried desperately not to cry, but the more he tried not to, the more he did.

Alan reached across toward his son, pulling him into an awkward embrace. "You were being a normal big brother….remember _I'm_ a big brother, too. Your job is to drive your little brother crazy, ignore him and never let him know that you really love him. I promise you if you stopped any set of brothers that is exactly what they would tell you that they do."

Donnie pulled back, "That doesn't make it all right. I should have seen this. He's been quiet lately, I should have noticed sooner and tried to talk to him." Donnie reached and took a sip of his coffee, wincing as the hot liquid went down his throat.

Alan looked at his own hands in his lap. "We all can be to blame for that, we've been so wrapped up in Charlie's next step in his education, that we weren't seeing him now. Most importantly we were forgetting we were still dealing with a child. Sometimes we have to be reminded that he's still a child thrown into an adult world. Unfortunately it took this for us to see it." Alan allowed his own tears to fall.

"Now what?" Donnie asked.

Alan frowned at the selection they had chosen to eat. "First we try and eat this food, then we go upstairs and wait for your brother to wake up and we try to help him anyway we can. If that means him taking a break from things, we'll do it. If it means some type of counseling for him or us as a family, we'll do that too. Whatever it takes, whatever we have to do, we will do it and we will get through it as a family."

Alan watched as Donnie nodded, then picked up his sandwich, "Let's get done so we can get back up to him. I want to be there when he wakes up, no mater when that is." The remainder of their meal, which neither ate much of, was in silence. They were soon on their way back to Charlie's room and hopefully his soon-to-be recovery.

Shortly after Donnie and Alan returned to Charlie's room Dr. McDonald came in. Charlie had already had four rounds of blood work done so far, with only minimal improvement. Dr. McDonald faced the Eppes family outside the PICU cubicle Charlie was in. "I know this has been difficult, but I have some encouraging news." The doctor noticed the guarded relief in the family's faces. "It seems the drug is working out of Charlie's system a little quicker than we expected."

Margaret spoke. "I noticed his heart rate increasing some from when we were first allowed to see him, that's good also right?"

The Doctor nodded at her question. "Yes it is. As I've mentioned earlier, his heart rate should be coming more into line with a normal rhythm. His blood pressure is also beginning to improve, coming back into a normal range as well."

"So he'll wake up soon?" Donnie needed to know his brother would be back with him soon. He needed to let Charlie know how much he meant to him, so this wouldn't happen again.

"That will be more up to Charlie. Know that things are normalizing, which is what we have been waiting for. I'm going to have the respiratory specialist come and adjust the ventilator so that it will only activate if his oxygen levels drop to unacceptable levels. However with everything starting to improve I think he may be able to come of the machine in the next ten to twelve hours. We will monitor how often it is activated, which will be frequent at first--his body has to get use to breathing on its own again, but that shouldn't take long. We still can't say when he might wake up for sure. Once the ventilator is removed completely we will run additional tests to discern his level of brain activity to determine what level of a coma he is in." The doctor took a minute to allow this new information to sink in.

Alan's hand reached for Margaret's, while at the same instant reaching for Donnie's shoulder with his other one. "Is there anything we can do to help him wake up any sooner?"

Dr. McDonald gave them a reassuring smile. "You've been doing it. You have been here so he knows he isn't alone. I'm sure you have been talking to him, just doing that has been shown to help coma patients understand there is someone waiting for them. They are often times able to feel the presence of family near them." The doctor took a deep breath. The next topic he was going to bring up wasn't one many families liked to hear about, but it was one that they needed to understand. "There is one other thing I would like to let you know about as we are going through Charlie's recovery. Once Charlie awakens from this, no matter how long it might take, he will be visited by the hospital's resident psychiatrist." Margaret's hand tightened on Alan's,

Donnie was the first to speak. "What !?" His voice was a bit defensive, which was actually something the doctor was looking for. "My brother is confused, he's a scared kid under a lot of pressure." Donnie felt his father's grip tighten on his shoulder. "He's not crazy."

The doctor held his hands up as if in mock surrender. "I know he's not; this is routine in cases like this. We want to make sure that once he leaves here, he will get the treatment he may need and that he won't do any further harm to himself. Believe me it is just routine." Donnie walked away a few feet, knowing the doctor was probably right, but still trying to rein in his anger. He noticed Dr. McDonald take a step toward him.

The doctor spoke in a tone that not only conveyed understanding, but one that was glad to see this reaction from the older brother as well. "You know," he said, looking at Donnie, "I'm honestly very glad to see you react this way. It tells me that no matter what happens, YOU are not going to give up on your brother. You know they say the bond between parents and a child are some of the strongest bonds there are. However, in my experience I have seen the bond between siblings make more of a difference, sometimes more than anything else we can do. If Charlie knows he has you, Donnie, that could make all the difference in the world." Donnie just stopped his pacing and stared at the doctor, wondering just how much of a difference he could make. He decided then and there that he would do anything to get his brother back.

Dr. McDonald turned back to Alan and Margaret. "I'll be back shortly with the respiratory specialist to have the machine adjusted. If you have any further questions before I return, please have the nursing staff page me."

Alan reached out to shake the doctor's hand. "Thank you doctor…..for everything."

A few minutes later the family returned to Charlie's room, feeling better then they had, knowing that slowly Charlie was coming back to them.


	8. Chapter 8

Not Letting You Go

Chapter 8

A short-time later the doctor returned with the respiratory specialist to adjust the ventilator that had been breathing life into Charlie's small, fragile form. Enough of the drug had left his system that the doctor felt it was a safe time to start to cut back, so it would only activate if Charlie's oxygen levels dropped to unacceptable levels. Again the family was asked to step out of the room while this was done.

About thirty minutes later they were allowed back in. The first thing they noticed was the quiet of the room. After listening to the ventilator for nearly two days, the room seemed eerily quiet. Donnie cautiously approached his brother as Alan and Margaret talked with Dr. McDonald. As he neared Charlie he heard the quiet soft sound of his brother taking breaths on his own. There was no mechanical rise and fall of Charlie's chest, instead it was the shaky whispered breaths of his baby brother. Donnie jumped when the ventilator kicked on, looking fearfully toward his parents and the doctor.

Dr. McDonald gave him a reassuring smile, "It will probably activate every few minutes for a little while until his body gets used to breathing on its own." The doctor turned back to the Eppes. "If all goes well and he continues to improve, we may be able to remove the machine altogether and possibly have him moved into a private room outside the PICU within twelve hours. Once he is moved we will start to conduct additional tests to check the level of coma he may be in and do some scans to see if there is any indication of brain damage."

Margaret glanced at Charlie, noticing Donnie was still next to his brother, watching him breathe. "Is there a chance once it's removed he could just wake up?" Her voice relayed a sense of hopefulness that it had been lacking since all this had begun.

The doctor looked at the parents of his patient, wanting so much to boost the encouragement he was now hearing in Margaret's voice, but not wanting to get their hopes up too much. "Anything is possible, but in most cases there is a period of time that the person will remain in a coma. It's one of the things about the way the brain works that we still don't understand." The doctor noticed the small spark of hope dim somewhat, "But as I said, anything can happen." Dr. McDonald cleared his throat, desperately wanting to get away from the strong emotions being felt. "Charlie's next round of blood work is in a few hours, by then the machine should be doing much less of the breathing for him and we'll know more." He shook hands and left the family to again take up their watch.

Some time later Alan was able to get Margaret to the cafeteria for something to eat. Donnie had again fallen asleep with his hand on his brother's. As they ate a doctor approached the table; their hearts dropped into their stomachs.

"Mr. and Mrs. Eppes?"

Alan was on his feet in a second, "Is Charlie all right? Is something wrong?"

The doctor raised his hand slightly, "No, Charlie's fine. I'm sorry to have frightened you, I'm Dr. Sanders, one of the hospital's psychiatrist," Dr. Sanders noted some of the panic leave the parents' faces. "I just wanted to introduce myself and maybe ask you a few questions about Charlie. Would that be okay?"

Alan glanced at Margaret who slightly nodded, and then motioned for Dr. Sander's to take a seat. "I suppose so, Dr. McDonald mentioned you might want to talk to us."

Dr. Sanders was careful as he began to speak. He wanted to make sure he didn't alienate these people before he could get a chance to help this family, "I understand this has been a very difficult time for you and your family. This type of incident is always difficult, but for a patient to be as young as Charlie is, it's rather rare." As he watched their faces he noted a longing to do whatever was necessary to help their son. "Can you tell me if anything has been going on that may have contributed to your son feeling the way he did?" this time he saw pain pass over the faces of the parents before him. Pain that told him, after all his years of experience, that they had already been trying to reason out how this could have happened. Dr. Sanders took that as an encouraging sign. It was clear these people wanted answers and help as much as he wanted to help them find the answers.

Alan put his elbow on the table and leaned in a bit. "Did you read the note?" Shortly after Charlie had been settled into the PICU a nurse had come by and said they needed to make a copy of the note, to place in Charlie's chart. They now understood why, it was so Dr. Sanders would be able to see it without directly asking the family for it.

"Yes I have." Dr. Sanders answered.

Alan began again, "Honestly, we had no Idea that Charlie was feeling these things….."

Margaret interrupted Alan, "Doctor, Charlie is a very gifted child. You have to understand he views things a bit differently then we do. He's been known to be very emotional at times. A comment made the wrong way might upset him for days." Margaret closed her eyes for a moment, trying to hold onto her emotions. "I feel…I feel that I'm such a terrible mother. How did I not see the pain my own child was feeling. Margaret's voice broke.

Alan reached for her hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze. "Margaret, you-_we're_ doing the best we can."

"Are we?" Her voice was a little stronger as she looked at him. "Alan, my baby-our baby-- thought we'd be better off without him. How is that doing our best?" Margaret looked at the doctor. "Maybe I've been pushing him too much. He takes in so much and never complains. He sees everything as a challenge and he doesn't like to fail at a challenge. Maybe I've put too much in front of ham and he was afraid to disappoint me?" Tears trailed down Margaret's face.

"If I may ask," Dr. Sanders quietly spoke. "What type of pressure was he under?"

Alan spoke again, allowing Margaret a moment. "We've been having some rather heated '_discussions'_ as to where Charlie will possible be attending college. We try not to have them in front of Charlie, but I'm sure he has probably heard them." Alan rubbed his hand over his face. "I'm afraid we may have lost sight of the fact that though Charlie's intelligence is light-years ahead of nearly everyone, emotionally he's still a child. How that happened, I…" Alan couldn't finish, because he couldn't come up with a good enough explanation that would allow himself to justify them loosing sight of something so important.

Dr. Sanders, seeing the pain and guilt these parents were feeling, decided to change direction slightly. "I noticed in the note Charlie mentioned someone named Donnie. His brother?"

"Donnie's our oldest son," Alan cleared his throat. "He's five years older than Charlie, however they both will be graduating high school together in a few months."

The doctor nodded, "I'd expect that may have caused some problems?"

Alan couldn't help but chuckle. "Doctor, we have a nearly eighteen-year-old boy who's thirteen-year-old brother will be graduating with him. Yeah, there have been a few bumps along the way, but nothing that would justify something like this."

Margaret spoke again. "Donnie's like any big brother, he doesn't always want his kid brother around and sometimes acts like it."

"How so?" Dr. Sanders paused in his note taking.

"Normal brother stuff," Margaret continued, "Not wanting his little brother in his room or hanging around him when Donnie's friends are over… but Donnie would never do or say anything to purposely hurt his brother this much. He loves him too much."

The doctor added this to his notes, he intended to get permission later to see if he could talk to Donnie as well. "When your son wakes up, once he's improved, I'll talk with him. I'll see if he will tell me what would have made him think the course of action he took was the only one he felt he had. I do want you to understand that there is a very good possibility that Charlie will need counseling after this, possibly for the family as a whole as well. However, we can discuss that more once Charlie's awake." Again Dr. Sanders watched the parents across from him. These were definitely people who wanted to do what was best for their son, and he was glad to see that. "Do you have any questions?"

Margaret spoke first, "Will you need to speak with Donnie? This has really torn him up. He feels responsible for his brother's actions and I'm sorry to say I didn't help much in that area." Margaret lowered her gaze to her lap, painfully recalling her words and actions the first night at the hospital. She glanced up at the doctor, noticing his questioning expression she continued. "I may have inadvertently directed my anger, after seeing Charlie's note, toward Donnie. I was scared and confused, I took it out on the nearest person and that happened to be Donnie, I went as far as blaming him for this. I lashed out at my own son, how could I have done that? It is something I'll regret for the rest of my life." The sadness in Margaret's voice was not lost on Dr. Sanders. He decided that no matter what his talk with Charlie might reveal, he was probably going to recommend consoling for the family as a whole as well, it could only help in the long run.

Returning his attention back to the question presented to him, "Yes, at some point I'd like to speak with Donnie." The doctor stood, "I'd like to get his view also, but that can wait a bit." Alan also stood, gratefully shaking the doctors hand, "I'll be around later. If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me."

Alan spoke as he pulled his hand back. "We just want what is best for Charlie."

"As do I Mr. Eppes," Dr. Sanders responded, "As do I." As Dr. Sanders left the table, Alan and Margaret hoped they could soon get the help they needed to start to understand how Charlie was feeling before this terrible nightmare began.


	9. Chapter 9

Not Letting You Go

Chapter 9

Margaret and Alan returned to the room to find Donnie still asleep albeit a restless sleep. A nurse was checking Charlie's vitals as well as preparing to take blood for the next round of testing. "How is he?" Margaret whispered as the nurse made her notations in Charlie's chart.

"He's doing well," The nurse offered a smile, "The ventilator's log shows that it hasn't activated in almost an hour; that's really encouraging news." The nurse looked again at Margaret, her smile fading as she nodded toward Donnie. "I know it's not my place to say anything, but he really should get some air. I've seen older siblings worry themselves sick when a younger one is hurt or ill."

Alan stepped up next to Margaret, looking at the nurse then toward Donnie. "When he wakes up I'm going to try and get him out for a bit." Again the nurse smiled, finishing her duties, then silently left the room. Alan and Margaret took their seats next to Charlie's bed, glancing toward Donnie, each feeling a growing sense of worry about their oldest son.

A couple of hours later Donnie finally began to stir. He stretched in the chair, then sat up, looking first at Charlie, then noticing his parents. "Hey." He stood to stretch his legs, "How is he doing? Any more on when they can take that thing off of him?" Donnie gestured toward the ventilator. He stood next to his brother's bed watching the rise and fall of his chest.

Alan stood, looking concerned toward his oldest. "The machine hasn't activated for nearly four hours; he's been doing all the breathing on his own. Dr. McDonald should be here anytime." Alan frowned slightly still watching his eldest, "How are you feeling son?"

Donnie couldn't hide the exhaustion in his voice, "I'm good dad, really."

"I'm sure, "Alan couldn't help the bit of sarcasm in his voice. "After Dr. McDonald comes I'm going to take you to get something besides hospital food to eat." Donnie's face became fearful, terrified at the thought of leaving Charlie, even though he seemed to be improving. Alan noticed this, "Don't worry, I'm not going to take you home unless you want to go, you'd just drive yourself back." Alan knew his son had barely eaten when they had been downstairs earlier, but hoped if he got him out for a bit he could get him to eat. As exhausted as Alan felt, he had at least been out of the hospital when he took Margaret home for a while. He could see the weary exhaustion in his eldest's face. He wasn't only concerned with Donnie's physical well being, but his emotional as well.

Donnie managed a tired smile for his father. "Okay dad, but not too long, please."

Alan nodded. He accepted the small victory his son was allowing, because he knew that if Donnie didn't want to leave the hospital there would be no way, aside from force, that Alan would be able to get him to go.

It was another hour before Dr. McDonald entered the room, a very encouraging expression on his face. "Alan, Margaret," the doctor acknowledged them, "Donnie; I think I have some good news for you." Eager faces met the doctor's gaze as they followed him out into the hallway. "From Charlie's last round of blood work, it looks as if all the depressant has been flushed from his system! From the nursing notes I see that the ventilator hasn't activated for nearly five hours. I feel confident enough to go ahead and have it removed completely."

"Are you sure?" Donnie voiced his concern.

Dr. McDonald smiled at him, "Yes, I'm sure. We will probably remove it within the hour; he will then be monitored here for about another two hours. If all goes as expected we can have him moved into a regular room in the pediatric unit within a few hours. Tomorrow we will start to run the additional tests I mentioned before--to start checking for any signs of damage the drug could have caused."

The doctor noticed Donnie pale a bit. He still wasn't ready to accept that there still could be something wrong with Charlie. "There's still a chance he could be just fine, right?"

Dr. McDonald responded, "There's always a chance he'll be fine, but you have to be ready for the possibility that he may not be." The doctor again surveyed the family before him, knowing they so desperately wanted their loved one to wake up. Yet it was still his job to prepare them for the worst. "Let's look at it this way; he's actually recovering quicker than we'd expected and we are able to remove the ventilator sooner then we'd hoped. Everything up to this point has been very good, let's just wait and see what happens." They all silently nodded. Dr. McDonald turned and left.

Alan turned toward Donnie. "Son, you need to get out for a bit. Let me take you to get something to eat and then maybe, just maybe, you'll decide a shower might feel nice. We could stop by the house for a bit and you could clean up."

It broke Alan's heart to hear the fear in his son's voice, "Dad, I…I can't be gone that long, what if he needs me?" Donnie looked into the room, at his brother. He was thankful that the horribly necessary machine that had kept his brother breathing was finally going to be removed. He wanted so much to see his brother's face without that hose taped to it.

Margaret spoke. "Donnie, honey, you heard the doctor, they could have him moved to a regular room in a few hours. Please sweetheart, for me and for your brother, you need to take a break. You'll be more help to him if you're better rested and have something good to eat in you."

Donnie looked at his mother's worried face, feeling bad that this time the worry was being caused by him. "If I let dad take me home, you'll call if anything changes right?"

Margaret pulled him into a hug, "You know I will." She felt Donnie nod, knowing his mother would, of course, call. Margaret continued, "If you aren't back when he's moved I'll call and let you know the room number, so you don't worry if he's not here when you come back, okay?"

Donnie nodded. "Thanks mom," he whispered. Margaret looked over his back at Alan, who smiled reassuringly at her. They both knew that even though Donnie had slept some at his brother's side, he was very near the point of complete exhaustion. Proof of that being his willingness to give into his parents wishes to go home and rest was proof enough of that. Donnie pulled back from his mom, then much to her surprise, he leaned in and gave her a kiss on the cheek, whispering, "I love you mom." As he stepped back he gave a tired smile to his mother, then turned toward his father. Alan didn't say a word, just placed his hand on the back of his son's neck as they walked down the hall.


	10. Chapter 10

Not Letting You Go

Chapter 10

As Alan was walking Donnie toward the car he could not ever recall a time when he had seen his son look so exhausted. When they had exited the hospital Alan got a good look at his son in the fading daylight--not the artificial light of the hospital-- and was slightly taken aback, for the first time really realizing how hard this had been on Donnie. Alan noticed how pale his son looked, made more apparent by his almost jet-black hair and the dark circles that were around his eyes. Donnie was slightly unsteady on his feet and the dark shadow of stubble looked completely out of place on his son's normally clean-shaven face.

Alan finally got Donnie to the car; his son seemed to melt into the seat. As Alan got in himself, he noticed that Donnie already had his head against the window and his eyes closed. Before they had gotten out of the parking lot he heard the soft snores and realized Donnie had already fallen asleep. Alan allowed a quiet laugh to escape as it had been years since his oldest son had fallen asleep in the car. Charlie was usually talking a mile a minute, thus always keeping Donnie awake, no matter how tired he was, even after his baseball games.

It took them about thirty minutes to get home. Alan hated to wake Donnie, but knew there was no other way to get him in the house. He missed the times when he used to be able to carry a sleeping Donnie from the car to the house without waking him. Worrying that Donnie might feel the same way about using the front door as Margaret had, Alan had pulled further down the driveway, closer to the back door.

"Donnie?" Alan whispered his son's name as he gently shook his shoulder. "Donnie, we're home." Donnie sat up straight, blinking a few times, trying to get his bearings. He slowly opened the car door. Alan had to move quickly, wanting to get around the car in case his son needed him.

"I'm good dad, thanks." Donnie whispered as he noticed his dad come up beside him, and gently take his elbow. They slowly made their way into the house and Alan led his son upstairs to his room. He was surprised when Donnie didn't protest his father helping him into bed, so he took advantage of that and tucked Donnie in, kissing him on the forehead. "Only couple hours," Donnie softly said as he drifted off to sleep.

Alan sat on the edge of his sons bed for a few minutes, wondering how things had gotten to this point. He knew his son's loved each other. He knew Donnie would never do anything to hurt his little brother, he took his big brother role to seriously for that. Margaret and Alan didn't like it that Donnie got pulled into the principal's office so much. Though they didn't approve of Donnie's methods, but they both knew it was mostly because he was trying to protect his brother. Alan looked at his now-sleeping son, brushing some of the hair from his forehead, thinking that a person just wouldn't fight that much for someone if he don't love him a great deal. Alan again kissed his son's forehead, then headed down the hall, to get a little rest himself.

_"Donnie help me!"_

_"Charlie! Where are you!?" Donnie was standing in the living room, the house seemed empty. He had this terrible feeling his brother was in terrible trouble and needed him, but he couldn't find him._

_"Donnie! Please!"_

_Donnie could hear the panic in his brother's voice, it nearly matched the panic he was feeling to his very soul. He was terrified; his baby brother needed him and he couldn't find him._

_"Charlie!…Where are you!?…Tell me where you are!" Donnie could hear himself screaming now._

_"Why do you care?" Came a voice behind Donnie. He turned and stood face-to-face with the image of his mother, only it wasn't her voice._

_"Mom?"_

_"You don't want him around anyway," the voice continued._

_"That's not true, I love Charlie, I…"Donnie was cut off by another anguished cry from his brother._

_"Donnie! Help me! Please!…" Charlie's voice faded._

_"It's too late you know, he knows you hate him," the voice intoned._

_Donnie desperately wanted, needed to find Charlie. Donnie pleaded with the menacing version of his mother to help him. "Where is he!?" Donnie was screaming at the form, "I have to help him!" Donnie felt panic, panic that he wouldn't be able to find his brother in time._

_"I told you it was too late." The figure moved, revealing the pale, still form of Charlie lying on a table._

_"CHARLIE!!" Donnie rushed toward him. He felt his chest constrict as he looked at the deathly pale face, feeling in his heart that he was truly too late. "Charlie, no, please," he whispered, tears streaming down his face. "I love you Charlie…please don't leave me."_

_The mocking voice returned behind him. "He died knowing only that you hated him. You didn't come to him when he needed you."_

_"SHUT UP!!!" Donnie rounded on the form. "I LOVE MY BROTHER!!" He turned back toward Charlie. "I love my brother."_

_Donnie watched as the body of Charlie began to disappear before him, "No!" He rushed the table, desperate to grab ahold and not let go of his baby brother, but as he reached the table, it was too late. Charlie was gone._

_"CHARLIE!!"_

"CHARLIE!!"

Donnie sat straight up in bed, breathing heavily, tears streaming down his face. Alan came rushing into the room, hearing his son's panicked yell, "Donnie?" As soon as Alan was within reaching distance he felt Donnie latched onto him, pulling him close as if trying to find something real to hold on to.

"Dad," Donnie's breathing was rapid, "God Dad, I failed him!" Alan was terrified, he'd never seen his son like this, Donnie was gasping for breath. "Please dad, Charlie's still alive, right?" Donnie was shaking in his father's arms. Alan was afraid his son was going to pass out, his breathing was so erratic.

"Shhh, Donnie, it's okay." Alan held his son tightly, feeling Donnie's hands twisting into his shirt. "He'll be okay, we have to believe that." Alan felt Donnie release another shuddered breath, trying to regain some control over his emotions. They sat for several minutes, a father holding his son, who had awakened from an apparently terrible nightmare, but not wanting anything more than to comfort his child and make the feeling of fear go away. Donnie soon had some control of his breathing again, then pulled back from his father, much too soon for Alan. Donnie pulled himself up out of the bed, "I need a shower," he whispered and quickly left the room. Alan sat until he heard the door close, then slowly rose to head downstairs to fix them something to eat.

Donnie closed the bathroom door behind him, trying to shut out the memory of the nightmare. He reached into the shower turning the water on as hot as he could stand it, then stepped in and allowed the heat to hit his body. His mind felt numb, his body was sore and he couldn't figure out why. As he stood with his eyes closed allowing the water to wash over him, a flash of a memory came.

The mental counting…1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,…the pause, then the counting again. The give of the chest beneath his hands…it was nothing like the mannequins he'd learned on. He remembered the instructor making the comment that it could be a taxing experience on the body of the person performing it.

The image in his head began to clear. He saw the small chest to which he was applying pressure. He gasped at the memory. He felt himself giving his brother breaths, then starting the compressions on his chest again. "Oh God," he whispered, "Oh God…Charlie died." The reality of what had occurred in the hallway hit Donnie like a ton of bricks. He felt his knees give out as he dropped to the floor of the shower. The flood gates opened and he sobbed uncontrollably. It was true, what his father had said, what the doctor had said. Donnie had performed CPR on his dead brother.

Alan had come rushing up the stairs when he had heard the loud 'thump' from the bathroom, but he stopped himself from rushing into the bathroom. The painful, sobbing sounds filtering over the sound of the water and through the closed door stopped him. He leaned his head against the door, placing his hand against it. He wanted nothing more to comfort his broken son on the other side, it broke his heart to hear his son in so much pain. However, he knew at this moment his son needed to be alone, to face what had happened and to come to terms with it. So as painful as it was for a parent to not comfort his child, Alan slowly turned and made his way back downstairs, hoping the nightmare they were all in would soon be over.


	11. Chapter 11

Not Letting You Go

Chapter 11

Disclaimer & Author Note: First, thank you to everyone who is still with me, reading and reviewing my story. It really means a lot to me that you all like it. Second, I'm taking a minute to give a HUGE thanks to FraidyCat for being my wonderful Beta.

Now for the disclaimer--I will be making a loose reference to a famous H.A. Rey character. I am trying to not use the character's name, but anyone reading it will know who I'm referencing as I make mention of a monkey. I have nothing but admiration and love for the character. I tried very hard to not use the name as not to infringe on anyone's rights, but the character just worked so well with how I wanted to relate the brothers. I hold no claim to the H.A. Rey character and have only the deepest respect for the creators of the character, whom so many have come to enjoy and love. Thanks Montez

Alan didn't like canned soup. He preferred to make his own from scratch; however, they always kept some on hand. He had just finished heating it up when he heard Donnie coming down the stairs. He held back his own tears as he saw the despair in his son's face. This was really taking its toll on Donnie and Alan felt useless to take the pain away.

Donnie slowly made his way through the kitchen, not meeting his father's worried glances, taking a seat at the small table in the corner. Alan set a glass of water in front of him, and Donnie slowly took a drink.

Alan wanted to see if Donnie would talk, but really wasn't surprised when his son remained silent. So Alan went about placing the bowl of soup and a sandwich in front of his eldest. He softly squeezed Donnie's shoulder as he turned to retrieve his own bowl. They ate in silence.

Donnie didn't have an appetite but knew he needed to eat, if only to not further worry his father. As they finished the phone rang. Donnie jumped up.

"I'll get it." He nearly knocked his chair over rushing to answer the phone. "Hello!" He was nearly breathless as he felt his heart racing. "Hey mom, how's Charlie?…They did?…Okay. What's the number…" He grabbed the pencil and paper that was kept near the phone. "525...Yeah mom I got it…No we just ate, we're coming back soon…I love you too mom…bye." Hanging the phone up Donnie turned toward Alan. "They moved Charlie to the fifth floor--room 525."

Alan turned to putting some soup into a microwave bowl. "Okay, as soon as I get this together for your mother we'll go."

Without another word to his father Donnie left the kitchen heading upstairs. Alan figured he was going up to get his shoes and jacket so he'd be ready to go. Donnie made his way to the hallway, intent on getting his things together, but instead found himself standing in Charlie's room. He looked around. His brother's room never looked like your typical child's room, filled with childhood toys. Charlie's toys were more obscure, intelligence puzzles. Where Donnie had baseball players' posters on his wall, Charlie had pages of equations taped to his. Then there were the books; math journals, college level calculus and several books on famous mathematicians. Then Donnie saw what he was unconsciously looking for. It was one of Charlie's favorite childhood books, the lone children's book, the only thing in Charlie's room that looked like it belonged in a kid's room. Maybe not a thirteen-year-olds room, but still. Ever since Charlie could follow Donnie around and found the book in his big brother's room, he had been fascinated with it.

Donnie, at one time, started calling Charlie by the main character's name--'Curious Charlie', as he was always wanting to know how things worked, even before his gift had been discovered. At one point Charlie would beg Donnie to read and reread the book to him and Donnie would. Donnie remembered the Christmas Charlie had turned five; all he wanted was his own little stuffed monkey to carry around. Donnie remembered his parents searching everywhere, even making some phone calls to relatives out of state to find the right one. They managed to finally find one and for years after Charlie would take his friend everywhere with him. Once Charlie had entered high school, he took to hiding it, fearful one of Donnie's friends would accidentally see it and start teasing him.

Donnie, however, knew exactly where Charlie had hidden it. So with the book in his hand, he got down and looked under the bed, and there in a worn-out shoe box was the much-loved and equally worn monkey. Double checking to make sure it was still in the box, Donnie grabbed it and the book, taking them both to his room. He grabbed the duffle bag usually used to carry some of his baseball gear, and after carefully placing the two objects inside, he zipped it shut.

"Donnie!"

Donnie heard his father calling from downstairs. He slipped his shoes on, grabbed his jacket and the duffle bag and headed down.

Alan eyed the duffle. "What have you got in there?"

Donnie shrugged his shoulder. "Just something I thought Charlie might like." With that they made their way out the back door, back toward the hospital and Charlie.

As Alan and Donnie made their way toward Charlie's new room, Alan recognized Dr. Sanders at the nurse's station. Turning as he heard someone approaching, Dr. Sanders held his hand out to Alan. "Mr. Eppes."

Alan accepted the doctor's hand, "Dr. Sanders."

The doctor looked at Donnie. "This must be Charlie's older brother?"

Alan glanced at Donnie's confused look. "Donnie this is Dr Sanders, one of the hospital's psychiatrists. Remember Dr. McDonald mentioned that once Charlie wakes up he would probably have to talk with someone."

Donnie glared at Dr. Sanders. Alan knew Donnie didn't like the idea of the doctors thinking something was mentally wrong with Charlie. "He's not crazy," Donnie said calmly, but Alan could hear the underlying anger in his son's voice.

Dr. Sanders glanced at Alan, giving him an 'I've seen this reaction before' nod, then he looked back at Donnie. "I don't believe he is. I just want to try and understand the reason why he may have felt this was the best way for him to handle whatever may have been bothering him. Please understand, I'm only here to help your brother." He paused, watching Donnie's reaction, then he spoke to Alan. "Mr. Eppes, would it be possible to speak with Donnie for just a few minutes alone?"

Alan looked at his son. "Donnie?"

Donnie looked at his father, then at the doctor. "If it will help Charlie, fine." His voice was abrupt, but filled with underlying emotion. Dr. Sanders motioned Donnie toward a quiet corner of the waiting area near the nurse's station. Alan decided to wait nearby, just in case Donnie needed him. Donnie and Dr. Sanders took seats across from one another.

Dr. Sanders spoke first. "Donnie, I really want to be able to help Charlie when he wakes up. I understand it could still be a while, even though he has been moved up here to a regular room." Dr. Sanders watched the array of emotions pass over the face of the young man across from him. "Is there anything you can think of that may have prompted this type of behavior from your brother?"

Donnie released a deep breath, rubbing his hand over his face, only just noticing he didn't shave while he was at home. He cleared his throat. "Mom and Dad told you he's a genius, right?" Dr. Sanders nodded. "Charlie may have the intellect of someone much older, but he's still a thirteen-year-old kid. I think people forget that. He's going to graduate with me…Do you realize he's a kid getting ready to graduate from high school and start college in the fall?" Donnie shook his head. "You know, I'm almost eighteen and I'm a bit scared about graduating. I mean real life starts after graduation, with college, and having to find a job; I'm overwhelmed sometimes. I can't imagine what Charlie's thinking, I mean when I was thirteen I was thinking about baseball and girls." He sighed and continued. "High school has been hell for him." Donnie rubbed his eyes. "And I'm sure I haven't helped," he whispered.

Dr. Sanders looked up from his notes. "How so?"

Donnie leaned back, "I treat him like the annoying little brother he is. I ignore him almost completely, especially at school. I don't talk to him much because all he wants to talk about is math that I'll never even begin to understand. I push him away because I'm uncomfortable, I shut myself off from him, I've been a terrible brother." Tears were forming in but not falling from Donnie's eyes. "I noticed that he had been quiet lately. Our folks have been having 'discussions' about Charlie's college prospects. It hasn't been exactly smooth sailing around the house, you'd have to be an idiot not to feel some of the tension. There have been so many offers, of course, and the best ones are from out of state. It's been tough on our parents, they try not to show it in front of us, but we know it's there." Once Donnie had started talking everything just spilled out. Maybe, subconsciously, he needed someone to reassure him, someone who could see **him**, not just him in Charlie's shadow. He needed some assurance that what he felt was okay, even though guilt was his overwhelming feeling. "Charlie seemed really quiet to me at dinner the other night, so I decided to check on him later. I wanted to see if he wanted to talk. That's when…" Donnie's voice broke as the images of that night started to play out in his mind again.

"When you found him?" Dr. Sanders asked, seeing that Donnie was only just holding it together.

"Yeah."

The doctor wanted to reassure the young man across from him. "You know, Dr. McDonald told me if it wasn't for you finding your brother when you did, he wouldn't have made it."

Donnie looked up. Tears were finally breaking free, slowly rolling down his face. "If it wasn't for me he wouldn't have been in that position to start with."

Dr. Sanders both looked and sounded surprised at Donnie's comment. "How do you figure that?"

"If I hadn't pushed him away. If I had just tried to listen to him, if I…if I had just realized how much he meant to me, I could have let him know that he could have come to me about anything." The doctor noticed Alan approaching, seeing that his son was becoming upset.

Dr. Sanders leaned forward, placing a reassuring hand on Donnie's arm. "You're a normal big brother, treating his little brother like all big brothers do. Trust me, I have two older brothers. You ignore him, you annoy him, just like he does you, but deep down, where it counts, you love your brother and I believe Charlie knows that. I believe that you two have a connection that you don't even realize. Something made you want to check on your brother that night and you didn't ignore that." Donnie felt his father's hand on his shoulder as he listened as the doctor continued. "Like you said, he's dealing with things that normally wouldn't affect him for several more years. He may not be old enough to understand that this stress is temporary. One thing I have seen from talking with your parents and now talking with you, is that you all care for and very much love your brother. In his confusion he may have somehow lost sight of that." Dr. Sanders wanted to comfort the young man in front of him. This boy too was dealing with a lot of stress and emotion. In addition to the normal teenage stresses, but with the events that had transpired over the last several days was clearly overwhelming; from finding and resuscitating his baby brother, to having his mother's unjustified wrath directed at him. The doctor felt a deep concern for Donnie, apart from what was happening with Charlie. He hoped once the younger boy woke up, that both boys would get the help it seemed they needed.

Donnie wiped the tears from his face. "All I want is to do whatever it takes to get my brother back."

The doctor looked at him, then at Alan. "That's exactly what I want to help you do. Thank you Donnie for talking with me, this will help me when the time comes for me to talk with Charlie. Talking with you, I have realized that Charlie has got something working in his favor already, that I wouldn't ever be able to give him." Dr. Sanders looked Donnie right in the eyes. "He's got you Donnie, no matter what. It's important that you don't you loose sight of that. You could end up being one of the biggest factors to his recovery." With that Dr. Sanders stood, shook Alan's hand, gave Donnie a reassuring pat on the shoulder, and left father and son in the waiting area.

A few moments of silence passed as Alan allowed Donnie a chance to compose himself, and then his father spoke. "Let's go see your brother."


	12. Chapter 12

Not Letting You Go

Chapter 12

Together Alan and Donnie walked toward Charlie's room. As Alan stepped in he saw his wife curled up in a chair next to Charlie's bed. A hospital blanket draped around her shoulders; she was asleep. He turned and motioned for Donnie to stay quiet as they made their way further into the room.

Donnie walked up and finally got an unobstructed view of his baby brother's face. Charlie still looked so pale! Donnie wondered briefly if the lighting in the hospital just made everyone look that way. The room was silent except for the very faint hissing sound of the oxygen that escaped the nasal tubing under Charlie's nose. Donnie slowly reached up and placed his hand on the side of his brother's face. He was relieved that the huge machine was no longer needed to keep his brother alive, but Charlie's stillness still frightened him. He glanced at the heart monitor that was still attached to him noticing the sound had apparently been muted. He was sure that even if that were true, if anything happened alarms would sound at the nurse's station. Donnie stood and looked at the innocent child's face that was his brother.

Donnie stepped back from the bed and glanced at his mother. She looked so tired, even in her sleep. He knew his father had brought her some soup, but hoped maybe his father could get her out for a while. Though he might not look much better, Donnie, at least before he'd talked to Dr. Sanders, had felt a little better. He turned and found a chair in the unfamiliar room. Not wanting to wake his mother by pulling it over to the bed, he picked it up instead.

Alan had taken a seat slightly behind Margaret's sleeping form. Sitting in the silence, he was thankful his youngest son was no longer in the PICU, but still prayed he would wake up soon.

Margaret started to stir a short time later and stretched out her legs that had been curled up under her. Alan noticed her movement and quietly moved from his chair behind her. He saw the dried tear tracks on her face, gently placing his hand on her arm, he spoke lovingly to her. "Margaret?" She looked toward him as he kneeled next to her. "How are you feeling?"

She leaned into him as new tears started to flow. "I just wish he'd wake up," Margaret mumbled into his shoulder. Donnie had come around the bed and knelt next to his mother as well. She felt his gentle touch on her hand and latched onto his as well. Before long Margaret started to sit up straighter in the chair. She looked at Donnie, touching his face. She couldn't help but let out a nervous chuckle, "Donnie," she ran her hand over his stubbled cheek, "You didn't shave?"

Trying to break the nervous tension Donnie rubbed his hand over his chin. "Thought I'd see if Charlie liked the beard." He smiled slightly at his mother's amused expression. "Also thought it would help me pick up a nurse."

Margaret burst out a laugh, patting his face. "Does make you look older, but sweety, don't rush it." She leaned in and kissed his cheek.

After a moment Alan spoke. "What are they saying about Charlie, anything new?"

Margaret took a deep breath, "Dr. McDonald was by earlier, shortly after he had been settled, and said Charlie was holding his own. They'll be running tests tomorrow. He just reminded me it could still take some time before he wakes up, we have to wait and see." Her voice dropping to a whisper. "I hate waiting."

Alan pulled her close. "I know sweetheart, I know." He leaned back slightly to see her face. "I brought you some soup, why don't we go down to the cafeteria and see if they will warm it up for us. There's a park nearby. If you feel like it, after you eat, we can take a short walk and get some fresh air."

Donnie added, "He's right mom, you should really get some air."

Margaret looked back and forth between Alan and Donnie, then glanced at Charlie. "Okay, I probably should stretch my legs," she said, looking again at Alan. "Fresh air sounds nice too." Alan and Donnie stood. Alan offering a hand to his wife, then silently they left the room.

Donnie waited a few minutes to make sure his parents didn't return; he had been hoping he would get some time alone with Charlie. He reached down, picking up the duffle bag, placing it in the chair. He opened it up, pulling out the shoebox and book.

"I brought you someone Buddy," Opening the lid of the shoebox he pulled out the thread-bare little monkey and placed it under his brother's arm. Taking the book Donnie sat on the edge of the bed. "I thought you could use your friend about now. You know I remember when you found this book in my room, you used to drive me crazy to read it to you all the time. I might have complained then, but deep down I never really minded." Donnie let out a shaky sigh, he wasn't going to let his voice crack, just in case he brother could hear him. "I brought this," looking down at the book, "thinking you might like to hear the story again, like when we were younger. It's been a while since I read to you. I kind of miss reading to you." Donnie glanced back at his brother's face, desperate to see any change, but Charlie was as still as ever. Donnie slowly opened the book. Clearing his throat, he began to read.

For several minutes Donnie's quiet voice read one of Charlie's and his favorite childhood books about that little monkey and the adventures he had. As the story ended Donnie looked back toward his brother, for the first time noticing how peaceful Charlie looked. It scared him, he feared if Charlie felt as peaceful as he looked he might not want to come back to them. Donnie laid the book on the side table and gently picked up his brother's small hand, laying it flat in his own. He marveled at how small his brother's hand still seemed, Charlie had yet to hit his teenage growth spurt. He then curled his own hand around the smaller one, covering the remaining exposed fingers with his other. His eyes never leaving their grasped hands, Donnie began to speak.

"You know I miss helping you learn things. I never thought I'd miss reading you that book. I know it by heart, I guess I just needed something to hold onto while I recited it." Donnie tried to get his jumbled thoughts together. He had so much he wanted to say, he just wasn't sure how to do it. "You know, you've always been my annoying little brother, but you're mine and I wouldn't trade that for anything. Do you know the reason I got grounded? It was because Kevin thought he could mouth off and threaten my little brother, so I had to teach him a lesson. I knew I was going to get grounded for it, but I didn't mind. I knew going it what was going to happen, but it was worth it; you're worth it to me."

_you're worth it to me _

"Yeah, you're my pesky little brother, but your supposed to be. Whether it's getting into my stuff or trying to spy on me with my girlfriends, that's what your supposed to do, that's normal. Of course your brains are another matter, but you know what Charlie, I'm proud of you."

_I'm proud of you_

"You're smarter than I'll ever hope to be, I'm in awe of you. But you know that doesn't make you who you are. You're Charles Edward Eppes, my baby brother, and I love you."

_I love you_

Donnie's voice cracked slightly as memories came to him, "I was so excited when I found out I was going to be a big brother. I remember the first time I got to see you. You seemed so tiny, I couldn't touch you at first because you were born early. The first time I saw you, they had to suit me up in some of those surgical scrubs. Dad took a picture of me in those, they had to roll up the sleeves and the legs, I really looked funny. I remember all I wanted to do was to see my baby brother. Once I did I laid my hand on the side of the incubator they had you in and I remember telling you how much I wanted you to come home. I had so much I wanted to teach you. When you finally came home, that first night, I begged mom and dad to let me sleep in your room. I wanted to protect you from the start."

_I wanted to protect you_

Donnie felt the tears forming in his eyes as he let the words flow. "It was scary when we first learned what you could do, but that never stopped me from wanting to protect you. I worried it would be to hard for you--all those teachers you had, even before you started regular school, but you took it all in. After that I felt I couldn't teach you anything anymore, I felt useless. I didn't know how to handle that feeling, so as we got older I started pushing you away. It wasn't because of you Buddy, it was because of me. I felt you didn't need me anymore." The tears finally escaped as he kept rubbing the back of Charlie's hand.

_He had been hearing words filtering in and out of the darkness around him. He knew the words were important, because they were coming from the most important people to him, his mom and dad. However the voice that he was hearing now wasn't one he really recognized. The voice sounded hoarse, it sounded sad, it sounded broken. He couldn't recall anyone's voice sounding like that, but the words. The words the voice was saying, they were words he felt in his soul were coming from someone who really cared about him, who really loved him. Could he have been so wrong to think whoever owned that voice would have been better off without him, that he'd be better off without the love the voice was trying to convey? He latched onto the words being spoken. As more and more were heard, he desperately wanted to figure out who the voice belonged to--he needed that person. That person truly loved him._

Donnie cleared his throat again, the emotions he was feeling literally clogging his throat. "God Charlie, I thought you could come to me. I thought if something was really bothering you you'd come to me with it. I'm sorry if I made you feel you couldn't. I never wanted that. I have always wanted to be there for you. The other night…" His voice cracked again, "…I realized I failed you. You felt you had nobody. I am so sorry Charlie. When I found you like that my world stopped. I couldn't fathom what I was seeing, it wasn't right, it wasn't normal. When…," Donnie felt like his own chest was constricting as he remembered finding Charlie. "When I held you in my arms and you stopped breathing, it was like I stopped breathing too. I felt I was going to die. My baby brother had just died in my arms and I was powerless to stop it." He again drew in a shuddering breath. "I couldn't protect you from that, and my world ended in that hallway. I've been in this emotional nightmare and I feel like I brought it on myself. I let my little brother down and I nearly lost you." Donnie was still looking at the small hand in his, noticing the nails were now the pinkish color they should be, not the deathly blue they were that night. "But you know what," Donnie straighteed some, clearing his throat again, "I'm not letting you go. I'm gonna do whatever I can, if it means reading that damn book constantly until you get tired of it and wake up to tell me to shut up, I'll do it. I need you back Charlie. There is no big brother without his little brother. Charlie, I can't exist without you. Please come back to me, I love you." Donnie closed his eyes. He felt emotionally drained, but strangely his soul felt lighter since the words were spoken. He felt that maybe, some how the words had helped.

"Love you too"

Donnie's head shot up at the hoarse whisper of words he was sure, but at the same time unsure, had come from his baby brother. When he focused on Charlie's face he was greeted by two very big, beautiful brown eyes looking back at him. "Charlie?"

"Sorry." The whispered voice said again.

"God Charlie, is that really you? Are you really awake?" Donnie couldn't believe his eyes, he raised his hand and gently touched his brother's face. Charlie closed his eyes and turned slightly into his big brother's hand. "Oh God Charlie!" Donnie cried out, leaning his head down onto his brother's chest. He felt Charlie try and move his hand onto his back. Donnie eased his hand under Charlie's head and pulled his brother up to him, holding him tight. He felt Charlie's hand tighten its grip on the back of his shirt.

The monitor at the nurse's station was showing an increase in Charlie's heart rate, so one of the nurses went to make sure he was all right. She stopped in the doorway as she witnessed the brotherly embrace, noticing the small hand wrapped around the older boy's back, tightening on the shirt it held. She smiled, then quickly left the room to page the doctor. Charlie Eppes was awake.

Donnie gently laid his brother back down, noticing the tears coming from his eyes. He gently wiped them away. "Do you need a drink?" he asked reaching for the cup of water he had on the table. Charlie nodded and gratefully accepted the drink.

"Sorry…didn't know," Charlie said, his voice just a bit stronger.

Donnie looked at him, puzzled. "Didn't know what Charlie?" Donnie again brushed tears from his brother's face.

The tears were clear in Charlie's voice as well. "You loved me."

Donnie's heart froze. Did his little brother really believe that he didn't love him? Donnie choked, "I always have Charlie, I always have."

Charlie's eyes started drifting shut. "Tired…Donnie."

Donnie brushed his hand through his brother's curls, "It's okay Buddy, you sleep. I'll be right here when you wake up." Donnie started to bring the blanket up further on Charlie.

Charlie's tired eyes looked pleadingly at his brother, "Would you hold me?"

"Yeah--sure." Donnie crawled into the bed next to his brother, mindful of the IV lines still attached to him. As Donnie got settled he felt Charlie curl into his side. Donnie wrapped his arm around him, holding him close. He kissed the top of Charlie's head and whispered, "I'm not letting you go, I love you Charlie."

"I love you too Donnie."

With that Charlie drifted back to sleep, as did Donnie a few minutes later. That was how Dr. McDonald found them, clinging to one another. He smiled, he knew he had been right about Donnie. Donnie had been the one to whom Charlie returned. Not wanting to disturb the boys, he told the nurse to page him when their parents returned. He finally had some very good news to give them.


	13. Chapter 13

Not Letting You Go

Chapter 13

"Mr. and Mrs. Eppes," the nurse had looked up as she heard the elevator, "Dr. McDonald wanted to speak with you when you returned." Alan and Margaret stopped next to the nurse's station.

"Is everything alright?" Margaret asked nervously. The nurse was just hanging up the phone, having paged the doctor.

The nurse gave them a reassuring smile. "Yes, he just wanted to talk with you both before you returned to Charlie's room." Margaret couldn't get past the uneasy feeling. She couldn't understand why the doctor wanted to talk to them before getting to the room if everything was okay.

"Alan?"

Alan could hear the underlying fear in his wife's voice. He tried to comfort her. "Margaret if something was wrong, Donnie would have been out here waiting for us." She gave him a slight nod as she thought about the logic of that; yes, Donnie would have met them here. Alan took her in his arms, giving her a comforting hug.

"Alan! Margaret!" An out-of-breath Dr. McDonald approached them from the stairway door. He had come up from the fourth floor. Reluctant to wait for the elevator he had taken the stairs.

"Dr. McDonald! Is Charlie okay?" Alan asked, still keeping a comforting hand on his wife's shoulder. Margaret's nervousness was not lost on the doctor.

"Yes, I'm sorry, I didn't mean for the nurse to worry you when I asked her to stop you before you went into Charlie's room." He started walking that way, Margaret and Alan following quickly behind. The doctor turned toward them as the stopped at the door. "I just wanted you to see," he pushed the door open, "Charlie woke up."

Margaret and Alan gave the doctor a puzzled look as they stepped through the door, it taking a second for the words to register. Then as they looked at the bed, Margaret gave a quiet cry of joy, "Alan!" She whispered, "Oh Alan, Charlie woke up!"

The sight before them was one they had been praying for the past several days. Though Charlie wasn't presently awake, they saw that Donnie was in the bed with his brother, who was curled up next to him, and both were fast asleep. Donnie had his arm around his baby brother, whose head was resting on his chest. It had been years since the boys had been together in the same bed. When Charlie was smaller he would seek refuge in his older brother's bed after a bad dream or if a storm in the night scared him. But now, seeing the boys holding onto one another, Margaret and Alan knew that again the boys were seeking comfort from each other.

Alan turned to Dr. McDonald as Margaret quietly made her way toward the bed, careful not to wake the boys. "How long ago did he wake up?"

"About an hour ago. The nurse noticed his heart rate increase and came to check on him. She found them hugging each other. By the time I got up here, they had fallen asleep like that." The doctor motioned to the bed. "I didn't have the heart to wake them, I'll wait for a bit, then come back and examine Charlie. Honestly though," he smiled at Alan, "I think Charlie's got what he needs the most. He's got his brother. I'll be back in a little while, if you'll excuse me." With that Dr. McDonald left. Alan made his way next to his wife, who was still watching the boys sleep.

"Alan, he's going to get better." Margaret turned, embracing her husband, who held her tight.

"Yes he is." Alan whispered as Margaret cried tears of joy into his chest. Alan looked over the sleeping forms of his sons. He then noticed the small well-loved monkey in Charlie's arm, and saw the long-forgotten book on the bedside table. "That's what you had in the bag." Alan whispered as it occurred to him what Donnie must have brought the duffle bag. Alan smiled, understanding that what Donnie had done. He had found a piece of Charlie's and his childhood, from a time when they had been closer. Not only bringing it to help Charlie but, perhaps, himself as well.

Alan and Margaret took their seats next to the bed, wanting so much to see Charlie's eyes open, but neither having the heart to disturb the boy's slumber.

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"I'm sorry."

Charlie's quiet voice filled the room, causing Alan and Margaret to quickly move to the bed. Margaret reached for his hand. "Charlie? Baby?" she whispered, finally getting a look at those big brown eyes; eyes that had always been able to melt his mother's heart.

Charlie's eyes looked toward Donnie. "Please," he whispered, "don't wake him, he looked so tired." Margaret gave him a smile as her heart swelled, seeing the concern for his brother that Charlie was displaying even though he was the one in the hospital.

Alan, stood next to Margaret and smiled. "How are you feeling son?" He lightly squeezed his son's hand.

Charlie stifled a yawn, "I'm tired."

Alan felt a tear slide down his cheek. "The doctor said you would be. You just rest, we can talk when you're stronger." Margaret kept touching Charlie's face and playing with his hair--tears running down her face as well. "Oh baby, I'm just glad you're awake."

Charlie's eyes started to drift shut again. "I love you both," he whispered again, giving into the sleep his body was craving. Margaret leaned down, kissing his cheek. She turned and embraced Alan again. She had never been so happy to hear her son's voice.

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A couple hours later Dr. McDonald returned and saw that Charlie was still asleep. He turned toward Margaret and Alan. "Has he been asleep the whole time?"

Alan, having stood from the chair near Charlie's bed when the doctor had entered, spoke. "He woke up for just a minute or so a couple hours ago."

"Did he seem coherent? Did he recognize both of you?" the doctor asked.

Alan looked down at Charlie. "Yes, I believe he did. He said he was sorry and asked us not to wake Donnie," Alan couldn't help the small smile that passed over his face when he said that.

Dr. McDonald was making a few notes in Charlie's chart. "Did he say anything about the incident?"

"No, we told him we could talk when he felt better," Alan answered.

Again the quiet of the room was broken by a voice from the bed. "Do you need to wake him up?" Donnie asked, slightly startling those in the room. Dr. McDonald walked a little closer to the bed.

"Yes, I'm afraid that this time I'm going ho have to wake him up to see how responsive he is."

Donnie looked at the doctor, then back to his brother, secretly hating to move from his brother's side. "Do I need to get up?"

The doctor smiled, "Not right now. Would you like to wake him up for me?"

Donnie nodded, then whispered, "Charlie?" He gently shook his brother, "Hey Charlie, the doctor wants to see you." Donnie again shook Charlie's shoulder, who in turn, slowly opened his eyes, meeting his brother's.

"Donnie?"

Donnie smiled, "Yeah, Buddy it's me. Doc wants to see you awake for a minute." Donnie shifted, helping to raise his brother up a little. "You want me to move or stay, Buddy?"

Charlie's eyes looked at Donnie, pleadingly. "Can you stay?"

Donnie nodded his head, giving his brother a reassuring smile. "Sure, if that's what you want."

"Charlie," Dr. McDonald began to speak, "I'm Dr. McDonald. I've been helping to take care of you while you have been here. If it's okay, I'm going to ask you a few questions. They're going to be pretty simple questions, but if you don't remember the answers that is okay; you're still pretty tired, I bet." Charlie nodded as the doctor continued. "Can you tell me your whole name?"

"Charles Edward Eppes."

Dr. McDonald motioned to Alan and Margaret. "Do you know who these people are?"

"My mom and dad, Margaret and Alan Eppes." Charlie gave his parents a shy smile.

"You're doing great Charlie. What about the fella there beside you?" The doctor continued with his notes.

Charlie looked up at his brother, who smiled at him. "This is my big brother Donnie." Donnie squeezed his brother a little.

Dr. McDonald looked at Charlie, smiling, "Good job Charlie. Your family has told me you're good with numbers." The doctor notice a slight spark of something in Charlie's eyes at the mention of numbers. "I hope it's okay if I ask you a couple of questions about some numbers. Would that be okay?" Charlie smiled, eagerly. "Okay, I'll start simple, but if you don't know the answer, it's okay; just do your best. Okay, what's 15x20?"

Donnie saw Charlie roll his eyes, and chuckled slightly. Charlie answered, like anyone should know that answer. "300."

"Too easy?" the doctor asked, smiling.

Charlie returned the smile. "Yeah, just a bit." sounding almost bored. Charlie's comment got a louder chuckle from his brother.

Dr. McDonald continued. "This one is a little tougher; what's 234x651?"

Without hesitation Charlie answered, "152,334." Charlie looked at his parents, who were smiling, tears were in their eyes. Donnie whispered, "Good job." Charlie looked into Donnie's face and even though Donnie was smiling at him, Charlie saw tears in his big brother's eyes too.

The smile that was on his own face faded. "I'm sorry Donnie." he whispered, lowering his head. Donnie gave the doctor a concerned glance.

Dr. McDonald asked, "Charlie, what are you sorry about?"

Charlie studied the stuffed monkey in his lap. "I was stupid," he whispered.

The doctor watched his patient as Charlie began to pick at a loose thread. "About what Charlie?"

Dr. McDonald felt his heart skip slightly at the look of sadness that crossed Charlie's face when he looked up to meet the doctor's eyes. "I didn't think they loved me." His eyes were pleading, his voice cracking with emotion. "How stupid was that?"

Donnie pulled his baby brother close as he felt him shudder next to him. "It's okay Charlie," Donnie whispered, "you were confused, but you're okay now, you're safe now."

Charlie's eyes never left the doctor's. "I'm tired, can I go to sleep now?"

Dr. McDonald took note of the change in Charlie. He knew that Dr. Sanders was better trained to deal with the emotional and mental turmoil going on in the young patient before him. His main concern was his physical well being, which had improved greatly. However he worried about Charlie's emotional well being also. "Sure Charlie, you can sleep now. I'll see you tomorrow."

Charlie leaned back and again smuggled into his brother's side. Donnie tightened his embrace, whispering reassurances that everything would be okay quietly into his ear. Margaret leaned in and kissed her son as his eyes closed and he quickly fell asleep.

Dr. McDonald turned motioning for Alan and Margaret to come into the hall with him. Once they were outside the door he spoke. "It's going to take some time. We'll run a few tests tomorrow, but physically I believe he'll be ready to go home in a day or so. I'll have Dr. Sanders stop by to talk with Charlie tomorrow. As I've said Charlie's overall recovery is going to be a long process." Glancing at the closed door he continued. "But as I've said I believe he's got what he needs to get past this and that is your love and support and that of his brothers. I'll be back in the morning to get his tests started." The doctor smiled kindly as he turned to leave.

As Alan and Margaret reentered the room, they saw Donnie glance up, then return his eyes to his sleeping brother. The doctor had left the family with a mix of emotions: Happiness that Charlie had finally awakened and physically didn't seem retain any ill effects from the drug; fear of what they and Charlie had endured and still must endure; encouraged by Charlie's reliance on his brother and Donnie's willingness to accept that role. Finally, they were hopeful that all of them would make it through this as a family.


	14. Chapter 14

Not Letting You Go

Chapter 14

Once Charlie fell asleep Donnie soon followed and the boys slept through the rest of the night. Alan and Margaret also slept on and off, occasionally waking , checking on the boys. Early the next morning Margaret awoke, instinctively glancing at the boys; she saw Donnie was awake, watching his brother sleep. Through the dim light she could make out tears on Donnie's face. She stood, quietly making her way to Donnie's side.

"Donnie?"

Without taking his eyes off his brother's sleeping form he spoke. "He said he didn't know that I loved him," Donnie's voice sounded so sad and defeated, Margaret felt tears in her own eyes. Donnie turned toward his mother. "How could he not know, what did I do wrong to make him think I didn't love him?"

"Oh sweety." Margaret leaned in and laid her head against Donnie's. "Deep down I believe he knows you love him. He's confused. You haven't done anything wrong; you're the one who found him that night, and you're the one whose voice brought him back to us! He knows you love him."

Donnie returned his gaze to Charlie. He kissed the top of his brother's head, thinking about his mother's words, hoping she was right. It was breaking his heart to think his brother didn't believe he was loved.

Later in the morning Dr. McDonald returned, just as Charlie was waking up. "Good morning," the doctor said as Alan stood to greet him. "How's my patient feel this morning?" Dr. McDonald looked closely at Charlie.

"Okay I guess." Charlie didn't look up at the doctor, although he did glance at his brother next to him.

The doctor turned to look at Alan and Margaret. "We're going to be running another round of blood work and performing a CAT scan on Charlie today, just to make sure everything looks good. Afterward we'll see if he's hungry, then try and get him up and moving around." He glanced back at Charlie, "How does that sound Charlie?"

"I just want to go home," Charlie whispered.

The doctor gave a guarded smile at that. "I'm glad to hear that, but you may still be with us for at least another day." Dr. McDonald approached Charlie. "Charlie, I've got another doctor I'm going to have you talk with later today." He watched for a reaction, but only got a quick glance.

"It's about what I did, right?" Charlie sounded so small and scared.

Dr. McDonald nodded. "Yes. Charlie, we just want to try and understand why this happened."

Charlie nervously looked at the doctor, then to Donnie. "Will Donnie be able to stay?"

Glancing at Donnie, then back to Charlie the doctor answered. "That will be up to Dr. Sanders. However, shortly when we take you downstairs for your CAT scan, your family can come with you. They will have to wait outside the room as the test is conducted, but there is a waiting area right across from the door where they can wait for you, alright?" Charlie just nodded.

As he moved toward the door Dr. McDonald spoke again to Alan and Margaret. "Someone will be in shortly to take him for the scan. As I said you're more than welcome to accompany him down."

Margaret had moved to Charlie's side. He had now laid his head back, closing his eyes. "Thank you Dr. McDonald," she said, never taking her attention from Charlie.

Once the doctor left Donnie moved to get up off the bed, Charlie latched onto his shirt. "Where…where you going?" The pleading expression on Charlie's face worried Donnie.

Donnie gave his brother his most reassuring smile. "I'm just getting up so you'll have more room. You heard the doctor, they'll be taking you for a scan in a few minutes. If you want me to I'll walk with you okay?" Charlie nodded and reluctantly let go of his big brother.

Before long an orderly came in, with a wheelchair, to take Charlie downstairs. Charlie held onto Donnie's hand the whole way, their parents following behind. As they neared the room where the scan would be done, Donnie squatted down in front of Charlie. "Hey Buddy." Charlie's scared eyes met his brother's. "I'll be right here when you're done okay?" Charlie's eyes flickered in understanding as he released Donnie's hand. The family watched as Charlie disappeared through the door.

Alan closed the few steps between his son and himself, pulling Donnie into a hug. "I'm proud of you son. You're doing a great job with your brother."

Donnie tightened his embrace of his father. "He just seems so scared. I don't know what else to do for him," Donnie whispered.

Margaret reached over placing a hand on her son's arm. "What you're doing is exactly what he needs. He's needing his big brother and you're doing a wonderful job. I'm proud of you too sweety."

Donnie nodded slightly and taking a deep breath, he pulled back from his father. They found three chairs facing the door and sat, waiting for Charlie to reemerge.

About thirty minutes later the door opened and the orderly pushed Charlie out, the nurse following behind. Donnie quickly made his way to his brother's side as the nurse turned toward Alan and Margaret. "He did just fine. Dr. McDonald should be up with the preliminary results shortly. Bye Charlie." The nurse gave him a slight wave as Charlie was wheeled toward the elevator.

Once they had returned to Charlie's room another nurse came in to draw blood and to ask him what he'd like to eat. "I don't know. I really don't feel hungry."

Donnie looked at his brother. "You have got to eat something, how about some soup or something?"

Charlie met his big brother's gaze. "Whatever you think Donnie." So with that the nurse agreed to send him up some soup and toast. Once it arrived Charlie just looked at it.

"Buddy, you have to eat it if you want to come home soon." Charlie noted the concern in his brother's voice. So slowly he picked up the spoon and started eating.

As Charlie finished Dr. McDonald came in. "Well Charlie, looks like you don't have any lasting effects from what happened. I'm sure once you're home your parents can arrange with your tutors to test you, but from how quickly you were able to answer my questions, I really don't see any problems there. Would you like to get up and move around some?"

"Can I take a shower?" Charlie asked.

The doctor smiled. "I think that's a good idea. However, someone will need to help you at first."

Charlie looked at his mother, knowing she would offer to help, then he quickly turned and looked at Donnie. "Can Donnie help?" He wasn't only asking the doctor this, he too was asking Donnie.

Donnie stood, "Sure Buddy, I'll help you if you want me to."

Dr. McDonald smiled at that. "That would be fine. If you need anything just call the nurse. Dr. Sanders should be around in the next couple of hours." A short time after the doctor left a nurse came in with a fresh set of hospital pajamas for Charlie. Donnie stood next to his brother's bed.

"You ready Buddy?"

Charlie raised himself up and made his way to the edge of the bed. "I guess."

Donnie gently took his brother's arm, "Okay, easy." Alan had taken up position on the other side of Charlie, gripping his other arm. They slowly helped Charlie stand. They stood for a moment waiting to make sure Charlie had his balance, then they made their way toward the bathroom.

Donnie spoke as they reached the door. "I got it from here dad." Putting his arm around Charlie's waist, Donnie took on more of his brother's weight as Alan, reluctantly, stepped back. He wasn't worried that Donnie couldn't handle things, it was just that Alan, himself, was needing to feel helpful.

Alan stood uncertainly at the door for a moment, then he spoke. "Let me know if you need any help." He quietly pulled the bathroom door shut, giving them some privacy.

Once inside the bathroom, Donnie got Charlie situated, leaning against the sink for support, as he reached in and started the shower. Donnie turned back looking sympathetically at his brother.

"How do you want to do this?" Donnie knew Charlie was a bit self-conscious when it came to his body and didn't want to do anything to embarrass him.

Charlie sheepishly asked, "Do you…would you turn around? Please?"

"Yeah, no problem." Donnie said, acting as if it wasn't that big of a deal. His heart caused him to want to help his brother as he heard him struggle to get undressed. Donnie then heard the curtain being pulled, knowing then, that Charlie had gotten into the shower.

Donnie gave him time but he stood nearby, just in case his brother needed him. When the shower stopped, Donnie automatically grabbed a towel, passing it into the shower to Charlie. He heard a muffled "thanks," in return.

As Charlie wearily stepped out Donnie again turned away, giving his brother a bit of privacy to at least get into the pajama bottoms. Donnie listened, feeling useless, as he again heard his brother struggling with his clothes.

Finally pulling his arm through the sleeve of the shirt, Charlie caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror. In that second his mind flashed back to the night everything had gone wrong. He could remember the despair he felt, the loneliness. He was also realizing how misplaced those feelings were. He could recall how, through the haze of his unconsciousness, he heard the voices of his parents talking to him. Telling him how much he was loved and needed by his family. He lowered his head, feeling a sob rising in his throat; he tried desperately to contain it. His restless mind went on to remember the broken sound of Donnie's voice, calling to him through the darkness. The despair he'd heard in his brother's voice told him how much Donnie loved him; how much Donnie needed him…he recalled how his big brother's voice had pleaded with him to wake up!

Even now, glancing up, seeing Donnie's reflection in the mirror, Charlie saw so much compassion and love reflected back to him in his brother's face. It was more than Charlie could contain. A strangled cry escaped his now- shaking body, as he began to realize what he had put his family through.

Donnie saw Charlie's face pale in the mirror. He gently turned his brother to face him. "Charlie? What's wrong?" Donnie allowed fear to enter his own mind as he felt his brother's body trembling in his grasp.

"Donnie?" Charlie's voice broke as he said his brother's name. He was scared and guilt-ridden. Before he realized it, he had buried his head into his brother's chest, feeling his brother's comforting arms surround him.

Donnie allowed his brother's dwindling strength to sink them both to the floor. A deep heart-wrenching cry broke loose from Charlie, that tore at Donnie's soul. He pulled his brother closer and gently started rocking him. "Sh…Charlie, it's okay now. Everything will be okay." Donnie spoke quietly into Charlie's ear.

"Promise?" Charlie's muffled voice asked, still cocooned against his brother's chest.

"Promise." Donnie replied, still rocking his brother's shaking form. He wasn't sure that he could fix what was broken deep inside his brother. He only knew he would do everything within his power to try.


	15. Chapter 15

Not Letting You Go

Chapter 15

Alan had given them some time once he heard the water shut off. Margaret and he had heard muffled talking once it was off, but now Alan was becoming concerned that the boys hadn't emerged from the bathroom, so he softly knocked on the door. "Donnie? Is everything all right?"

Alan heard movement. "Just give us a minute dad." Inside Donnie had finally gotten Charlie calmed. A few minutes after Alan's inquiry Donnie opened the door, Charlie was again leaning heavily against the sink. Donnie saw the questioning look from his father; he shook his head trying to convey the message '_don't ask right now.'_ Alan nodded in understanding.

"Do you need any help?" Alan asked his son as Donnie returned to help Charlie stand.

"No dad, I think we got it," Donnie replied as he and Charlie exited the bathroom, slowly making it back to the bed.

Once Charlie was back in bed Margaret took to adjusting his pillows and blankets. She also couldn't stop herself from running her hand through his wet curls, to at least brush them back from his face.

"Do you need anything sweetheart?" she asked Charlie.

Looking at his mother with a slight smile he asked, "Could I get something to drink?"

Margaret returned the smile. "Sure. What would you like?"

"I'd like some orange juice. Do you think I could get some of that?" The expression on his face was one that reminded Margaret of the few times Charlie had wanted ice cream from the ice cream truck that would come through the neighborhood--eager anticipation.

She placed her hand on the side of his face. "I'm sure we can find you some orange juice." Margaret looked over at Alan.

"Charlie," Alan stepped up next to the bed. "I'll go see if the nurses have any, okay son?"

Charlie smiled at his father and whispered. "Thanks."

Donnie stood too, "I'll go with you too dad."

Charlie's eyes shot to Donnie. "Donnie?"

His brother turned toward him. "I won't be gone but just a minute okay?" Then Donnie leaned in and jokingly whispered, "Don't need dad setting me up with a date do we?" It got the desired reaction as Charlie let out a low chuckle. "I'll be right back Buddy." With that Alan and Donnie left the room.

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Once in the hall Alan looked at Donnie as they walked toward the nurse's station. "Did something happen?"

Donnie pushed his hands down further into his jeans pockets. "He lost it dad." Donnie faced his father, stopping to lean against the wall. He tilted his head back and closed his eyes. "Dad," he opened his eyes, meeting his father's worried ones. "The way he said my name, he…he sounded so lost and scared. The only thing I could think of to do was to hold him." Donnie rubbed his face. "Dad he just clung to me. I didn't know what else to do."

Alan placed his hands on his son's shoulders. "You did exactly what he needed you to do, you were there for him. You done good son, you done good." Alan stood in awe of his eldest's sons ability to be seemingly handling what was going on better then he, himself, was doing. Alan had been concerned when Charlie wasn't really talking with Margaret and himself, but had been relieved to see him reach out to his brother. Now, knowing that Donnie had followed his heart and taken on the role of comforting his brother, he felt a swelling proud for his son.

They continued their way to the nurse's station and made their request for orange juice. Upon getting the juice and making their way back toward Charlie's room they noticed Dr. Sanders coming down the hall. "Mr. Eppes? Donnie?" Dr. Sanders greeted them with a hand shake. "I was just coming to see Charlie. How is he doing?"

Alan slowed to talk with Dr. Sanders as Donnie continued on. "Dr, McDonald said all his tests have come back fine. Hopefully once he talks with you, we'll get to take him home maybe tomorrow. Charlie asked when he could go home."

As they reached the room Donnie entered first with the juice. "You know Charlie, I don't think I've got a chance with the nurses. I think they like you and your curls better." Donnie's joking tone made Charlie look down a bit as his face flushed with embarrassment. Donnie smiled at his brother, "Here's your juice." He passed it to their mother, who proceeded to put some in a cup.

Alan and Dr. Sanders had entered hearing Donnie's good natured teasing of his brother. Dr. Sanders noticed Charlie's reaction and smiled to himself. This brotherly interaction was a good sign, reinforcing his first thoughts that Donnie would indeed play a key role in his brother's progress.

Alan walked up to Charlie's bed. "Charlie, this is the doctor Dr. McDonald mentioned that he wanted you to talk to. This is Dr. Sanders." This time Dr. Sanders saw a shadow of uncertainty cross Charlie's face.

He held his hand out to Charlie. "How are you Charlie?" Charlie timidly shook the doctor's hand.

"Okay I guess."

"Charlie, I was wondering if I could talk to you for a little bit. Would that be okay?" Dr. Sanders asked.

Charlie nervously looked at Donnie, who gave him a slight nod. "Okay." his voice was quiet. "Can Donnie stay?"

Dr. Sanders looked at the family, then back to Charlie. "Charlie, I really need to talk to you alone for a few minutes, but they will be right outside, alright?"

Charlie's eyes looked pleadingly at the doctor. Dr. Sanders watched as Donnie stepped up to his brother, taking his hand. "It's okay Charlie. He just wants to help and I'll be right outside. If you need me he'll come and get me." Donnie shot the doctor a look that almost made him flinch. It was a look like that said '_if you don't, I'll gonna make it real unpleasant for you'. _Dr. Sanders gave Donnie a nod of agreement. Donnie turned his attention back to Charlie. "Once you're done I'll be right back in and hopefully we can take you home tomorrow, okay?"

Charlie looked at his brother, fear still showing in his face. "Okay, I'll talk to him." Donnie patted his brother's arm. Margaret leaned in and kissed his cheek, and Alan patted his son's leg. Each of them sent him a reassuring smile as they left the room, leaving Charlie and Dr. Sanders alone.

Dr. Sanders pulled a chair up next to Charlie's bed. He regarded the patient before him. _"God he's so young,'_ the doctor caught himself thinking. He cleared his throat and asked his first question. "How are you feeling Charlie?"

Charlie's hand wandered to his stuffed monkey, which he placed back in his lap while he started pulling on a loose thread. "Okay I guess?"

The doctor continued, "Charlie, I'm going to ask you some tough questions, but they are very important okay?" Charlie gave Dr. Sanders a quick glance, then returned his eyes to his monkey, so the doctor continued. "Charlie, do you remember what happened the other night?"

Charlie took a deep breath, closing his eyes. "I remember being in my room with the lights out. I felt…I don't know--alone."

"What do you mean 'alone', Charlie?"

Charlie looked up at the doctor, "Did mom and dad tell you about me and my numbers?"

Dr. Sanders nodded, "Yes they did."

"Nobody knows what that's like. They try sometimes, but I can't describe it. How the numbers are always there. I get so scared sometimes, like the numbers are just gonna take over one day and I'll be gone." Charlie looked intently into the doctor's face, "How do you explain that?" Charlie took a shuddered breath. "I see everything, I mean _everything_ in numbers. Sometimes I 'zone out', at least that's what Donnie calls it. It's like I have to shut myself down to get control over the numbers; sometimes even that doesn't work." Charlie's eyes fell back to his lap, "People get frustrated with me when I do that, they think I'm not paying attention, but it's something I really can't control. I…I just get so tired." Charlie's voice was just barely a whisper.

"Charlie I want you to try and focus on your feelings that night."

"That night," Charlie rubbed is face. _So reminiscent of his older brother_, Dr. Sanders thought, before Charlie continued. "I had been listening to my parents talking bout my college options. Dad wasn't happy with the idea of mom going across the country to Princeton with me. It wasn't the first time I'd heard him unhappy about it. Donnie had been grounded for fighting again at school and he wasn't talking to me, not that we talked much anyway. I guess I felt he didn't want me around." Charlie's voice began to crack as he continued. "I felt I had done enough to mess up my family--especially Donnie. Mom had to spend so much time with me that he missed out on having her there for him. I guess I thought if…if I wasn't around anymore everything would be okay for him." Tears started to fall down Charlie's face. "I remember having 25 pills in my hand." The young boy looked up almost pleadingly. "See, it's always numbers." His eyes fell again. "As I took them I heard the floorboards in the hall." Charlie nervously chuckled. "There's a squeak dad can't seem to fix. Just after I took them I saw my door opening, but the person there was all fuzzy." Charlie's tears continued. "I didn't realize it was Donnie until I heard his voice; he sounded so scared, I…I couldn't figure out why he was scared." Charlie took a shuddered breath as he watched the tears drop from his face onto the monkey in his hands, making almost perfect circles on the worn fabric.

Dr. Sanders gave Charlie a minute, then asked his next question. "Charlie, do you think what you did that night was the best thing you could have done?"

Charlie looked up again, never more looking like a frightened child than at that moment. "I didn't…I didn't think he cared about me, that he--they-- needed me. I felt I was a problem." Again Charlie took a deep breath. "How could I have been that stupid?" he looked desperately toward the doctor, his voice rising with emotion, "What I put them through, God I was wrong, how could I have been that wrong?" His breathing was becoming more labored.

Dr. Sanders responded, "Charlie, you were confused, you felt misunderstood and alone. Your feelings weren't wrong, everyone has those feelings at times. What made this different was your decision to try and take your own life. Do you understand you almost died from this?" Dr. Sanders hated being blunt, but felt he needed to see if Charlie fully understood what could have happened. "Charlie your feelings weren't what almost caused your death; your choice to take those pills did. It was the fact you tried to remove yourself from your family forever--to end your life. Is that what you really wanted? Did you really think it would make their lives 'better' as you put it in your note?'

Charlie's breath quickened as he took in what the doctor was trying to get him to see. "I…I love my fa…family." He started to stutter between breaths, "I…I just tho…thought…" He tired to take a breath, "I was…wrong…" Charlie was having a problem inhaling a deep breath and tears were streaming uncontrollably down his face.

Dr. Sanders stood, trying to help Charlie get control of his breathing. "Charlie, you need to calm down. Charlie look at me, you need to take some deep breaths." Charlie's panicked eyes met Dr. Sanders. "Charlie breathe with me--in, out, in, out. Charlie, focus on your breathing." Dr Sanders wasn't having any luck calming Charlie and reached for the button to call the nurse.

Within a minute the nurse opened the door. "Were you needing something doctor?" Not realizing the distress Charlie was in, until she got closer to the bed; seeing the oxygen mask on his face and the panic in his eyes.

Dr. Sanders, still trying to calmly talk Charlie into controlling his breathing, glanced at the nurse. "He's hyperventilating, we need to page Dr. McDonald."

The nurse pressed the intercom button to the nurse's station. "Page Dr. McDonald to room 525, stat!"

Charlie's terrified eyes pleaded with Dr. Sanders. "Do…Donnie?"

"Okay Charlie, we'll get your brother, but please try and calm down." Dr. Sanders looked over at the nurse. "Get his brother."

She rushed over to the door, not surprised to see the family huddled near it when she opened it. "Donnie, we need you a minute honey."

Donnie glanced at his parents then quickly entered the room. What greeted him was nearly as scary as the night he had found his brother on the floor of his room. "What happened!? You said you'd help him!!" Donnie rushed to his brother's side, seeing the panic in his brother's eyes as he struggled to breathe.

Dr. Sanders tried to keep his voice even. "He became upset and started to hyperventilate. We're trying to calm him down, that's where we need your help. He asked for you. I don't want to have to sedate him, but if he can't calm down he could pass out."

Donnie sat down on the edge of the bed and pulled his brother close to him, rubbing his back. "Charlie, hey Buddy, it's Donnie." Donnie was terrified feeling his brother shaking in his arms as he struggled to get in a breath. "Listen to me Buddy, you've got to calm down. Listen to my breathing, breathe with me." Donnie began to take deep, even breaths. "Come on, you can do this. We can count it out okay? One…in, two…out, one…in, two…out." Donnie continued the slow count as Dr. Sanders stepped back, giving the brothers some space. He watched as Donnie was slowly able to get his brother's breathing into a steady rhythm. About that time Dr. McDonald came into the room. Dr. Sanders stepped over to him explaining what had happened.

The nurse next to Charlie and Donnie started to take Charlie's vitals as he calmed down. Donnie gently laid his brother back onto the bed. "Good job Buddy, you're doing good." Donnie noticed out of the corner of his eye that the two doctors had left the room. "Charlie, I'll be right back, this nice nurse will be right here. Mom and Dad are probably freaking out, okay? I'll be right back." Charlie nodded, closing his eyes, still taking deep breaths.

When Donnie exited the room he saw his parents with Dr. McDonald and Dr. Sanders a few feet down the hall. Fortunately for Dr. Sanders Alan heard his son coming. Alan grabbed Donnie just as he was about to launch himself at the doctor. "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!"

"DONNIE!" Alan held his son tight.

"No dad, Charlie couldn't breathe. He couldn't get his breath because of him!" Donnie glared at Dr. Sanders. "You said you'd help him. How does that help!?" Dr. McDonald had also stepped between Dr. Sanders and Donnie, still struggling in his father's arms.

Alan pleaded. "Donnie please! Calm down!" Alan had managed to push his son back a few feet to the wall. "Donnie, he didn't know Charlie would get that upset, please son." Alan could finally see Donnie calming down some, but he was reluctant to let him go.

Donnie took several deep breaths and looked at Dr. McDonald. "I don't want him in with Charlie anymore!" Donnie looked at his father, lowering his voice. "Dad, I'm going back to Charlie." With that Donnie pulled from his father and walked back down the hall to his brother's room.

Alan watched until his son disappeared through the door. Margaret had been standing by, somewhat shocked at Donnie's reaction. Alan looked first at Dr. McDonald then to Dr. Sanders. "Donnie has a point. You said you wanted to help Charlie. How did this help him?"

Dr. Sanders glanced down the hall then back to Alan and Margaret, clearing his throat. "I had no intention of that happening. He was coming to the realization of what he had tried to do and what could have really happened. When he did that, he began to hyperventilate. When I saw that I couldn't get him calmed down that is when I rang the nurse. Charlie asked for his brother, that's when the nurse came and got Donnie. Donnie was able to get Charlie calmed back down." The doctor took his own deep breath. "I didn't expect him to react the way he did, though I have had it happen before." He wanted to help the parents before him understand that it was actually good Charlie reacted the way he did. "Believe it or not it's a good sign. I believe he realizes what could have happened and that it really wasn't what he had wanted. With the support he has gotten from you all, especially Donnie, since he's woken up, it helps him realize there was a better way."

Margaret's quiet voice spoke. "When can I take my baby home?" She wasn't sure how she felt about what had just happened. All she knew is that she wanted to take Charlie home.

Dr. McDonald looked at Dr. Sanders. "I don't see why he can't go home tomorrow."

Dr. Sanders nodded, "I agree. I truly don't believe this type of episode will be repeated. However you will have to be aware of any potential warning signs. I have some papers you can review regarding that. I'm also strongly recommending he start seeing someone. Not only because of this incident, but also with some issues he has regarding his gift. I'm going to make a couple of calls, I know of someone who has dealt with patients with gifts like Charlie's. I'm also recommending family sessions as well. The doctor I have in mind also does family sessions."

"We'll do whatever is necessary to help Charlie." Margaret looked at Alan who nodded in agreement, "Of course we will."

"There is one more thing," Dr. Sanders spoke again. "There is a chance, though small, that Charlie could have another episode like what happened again while he's in a session. I suggest that beforehand you talk with him about strategies he can use to calm himself down." He watched understanding cross Alan's and Margaret's faces. "I can see too," Dr. Sanders looked back down the hall for a moment, "Donnie's devotion to his brother will help immensely." He looked at the Eppes seriously. "But he needs to understand the fact that this sort of thing could happen again. I know he was going on emotion this time, but he needs to also find a way to keep himself calm. If Charlie sees his brother get that upset it could have an adverse effect, where Charlie may feel responsible for Donnie's reaction. He needs to understand that."

Alan spoke, "I'll talk to him about that. When it comes to his brother, Donnie does have a tendency to go on emotion rather then rational thinking." A small chuckle escaped Alan, "That's how he ends up in the principal's office so much."

They all smiled slightly at that comment, then Dr. Sanders spoke a final time. "Again, I'm truly sorry that this happened, but remember it does show progress. If Charlie had believed he had made the right choice that night, his reaction would not have been so strong when he realized what could have really happened." Dr. Sanders stepped forward toward Alan, extending his hand, "I'm going to go make those phone calls and hopefully have a name for you before you leave tomorrow." He reached for Margaret's hand as well. "Mrs. Eppes, Mr. Eppes, please tell Donnie I never intended to upset him or his brother. I'll see you both tomorrow." Dr. Sanders turned and left the group in the hall.

"Is Charlie all right?" Margaret asked, stepping closer to her husband.

Dr. McDonald motioned for them to start down the hall toward Charlie's room. "He had calmed down before I left the room. The nurse was starting to take his vitals, let's go check on him." He silently led Alan and Margaret back to their boys.


	16. Chapter 16

Not Letting You Go

Chapter 16

When Alan and Margaret reached the room it was almost like when they had first learned Charlie was awake. Donnie had again taken up a position on the bed holding his brother close, Charlie in turn was clinging to his big brother. The only difference this time was the nasal tube under Charlie's nose giving him a little extra oxygen. Charlie had already fallen asleep as Donnie looked up when his parents walked in.

"He was dozing when I came back in. He wanted my back up here with him."

Margaret neared Charlie's side, noticing the wrinkled look of Charlie's forehead, even in sleep he looked upset; however his breathing seemed normal. She glanced up at Donnie. "You're doing an amazing job sweetheart, I'm proud of you." Margaret leaned over Charlie, pulling Donnie toward her, careful not to squish Charlie between them. She then turned, looking at the nurse, "Is he okay?"

The nurse was going over everything with Dr. McDonald, who answered instead. "Once he calmed down everything leveled out. We'll leave the extra oxygen on him just a bit longer, it will help while he rests."

Donnie looked toward the doctor, "Will Charlie get to go home tomorrow?"

"I don't see any reason why he can't." Dr. McDonald turned his attention back to Alan and Margaret. "I'll be back in the morning, we should be able to get him home, hopefully, by noon. Dr. Sanders will most likely have the name of the doctor he was talking about by then. I do want Charlie to try and eat something again tonight. Dinner should be around before too long." With that Dr. McDonald and the nurse left the room.

Donnie looked questioningly at his parents, "What doctor?"

Margaret sat in the chair next to the bed, "Dr. Sanders first said he wanted to apologize to you for upsetting Charlie, but he also said it was actually a good sign that Charlie realizes that what he did wasn't the best choice."

"No kidding," Donnie mumbled.

Ignoring the comment, Margaret continued. "He said he has a doctor in mind for Charlie to start seeing. Someone who has worked with people with gifts like Charlie's. He also recommended us going as a family as well and I think that would be a good idea." Margaret noticed the somewhat unconvinced look on Donnie's face. "Donnie, this is important, it's to help Charlie. Maybe it will even help us understand Charlie better then we apparently have been."

Donnie released a deep breath. "I know mom, I'll do whatever I have to do to help him; it's just I didn't care for Dr. Sanders. I don't want someone upsetting Charlie like that again, no matter how helpful they think it is. He was just so scared when I came in the room. I don't want him that scared again."

Margaret patted Donnie's arm. "I know. Hopefully that type of thing won't happen again."

A short time later dinner arrived and Donnie woke Charlie to eat. Alan had gone to the cafeteria to get something for Margaret, Donnie and himself. Once Charlie had eaten most of his sandwich, he again turned toward his brother sitting beside him and fell asleep.

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As morning came Donnie awoke to his parents' low voices; his father's was the first he could make out clearly. "I'm going to run home and bring him back some of his own clothes and make sure we have some of his favorite things to eat. I'll only be gone a couple of hours." Alan leaned in and kissed his wife.

"Just be careful," Margaret whispered. "I love you."

Alan quietly opened the door, "I love you too."

As the door closed Margaret turned back toward the bed and noticed Donnie watching her. "Good morning," she smiled.

"Morning," Donnie mumbled, as he tried to stretch without waking his brother. "We are still getting to take Charlie home today, right?"

Margaret walked over to Donnie, glancing at Charlie still curled up next to his brother. "Dr. McDonald was by a little earlier this morning and yes, once your father gets back, we should be able to take him home."

Donnie looked down at his brother. Worry clouded his voice. "Do you think everything will be alright?"

Feeling his mother take his hand, Donnie heard her speak, reassuringly. "Yes sweetheart, I do."

Donnie cleared his throat, "I've just been so scared…" His voice was just above a whisper. "We almost lost him, Mom!" He looked pleadingly at his mother. "I almost lost him. I…I just can't let that happen again." A lone tear fell from Donnie's eyes.

Margaret leaned her head into Donnie's. "We are going to do whatever is necessary to keep it from happening. Dr. Sanders sent the name of the doctor he recommends for Charlie to see. In the next few days I'm going to see about getting your brother an appointment set up. We will do whatever is needed to help Charlie, I promise."

Charlie began to stir, then slowly he opened his eyes. Donnie smiled at him, quickly wiping the stray tear. "Morning Buddy."

"You okay Donnie?" Charlie's small voice asked.

Donnie tried to sound cheerful. "I'm great, you get to go home today."

"Good." Donnie and Margaret exchanged worried glances at the solemn tone of Charlie's voice.

Breakfast arrived and Charlie just picked at it. He did eat a few bites, not because he was hungry, but because his mother and brother were watching him like a hawk. Alan returned, as Charlie pushed his tray away, with some clothes. Knowing what his father had in the duffle bag he had carried in, Donnie spoke first.

"Do you want me to help you change?"

Charlie had gotten himself to the edge of the bed. Donnie had moved before breakfast, but was now standing next to the bed. Slowly Charlie stood. "I think I can do it, thanks." Slowly, Charlie made his way to the bathroom, where his father had placed his clothes. Watching the door close, Donnie had an irrational fear that he was being shut out. He closed his eyes, shaking his head, then proceeded to go to the chair, retrieving his duffle bag and placing the book and Charlie's much-loved monkey back into its box and into the bag. Once he zipped it shut, he sat in the chair nearest the bathroom door, listening, just in case his brother needed him.

While Charlie was still in the bathroom Dr. McDonald and a nurse returned with Charlie's discharge papers. As they were explaining everything to Margaret and Alan, Charlie emerged from the bathroom. Donnie stepped toward him, but was waved off, as Charlie slowly made his way back to the bed. Dr. McDonald was watching him closely.

"So how's my patient today?"

As Charlie sat on the bed he let out a deep breath. "Okay I guess. I'm getting to go home." the doctor noticed the quiet tone and solemn expression. He glanced at Donnie, who was just a couple of steps away. The teenager only shrugged, not sure himself what was going on with Charlie.

Once all the papers were signed, the nurse brought a wheelchair to take Charlie downstairs. Alan had left to get the car pulled around. Charlie allowed his brother to help him into the chair, but he didn't say a word as he was wheeled out of the room, toward the elevator.

As they exited the hospital, Alan had the car door open, waiting for them. Donnie again helped get Charlie up from the chair and into the back seat of the car. He then ran around to the other side and got in as well. As soon as Donnie got his door closed, he felt Charlie scoot over toward him, leaning into him. Instinctively Donnie put his arm around his baby brother. Alan watched the whole thing in the rear-view mirror, as Donnie let Charlie settle next to him. Margaret had glanced back as well, and Donnie gave her a slight smile as he rubbed comforting circles on his brother's back. Margaret then looked over at Alan, who reached out and took her hand. He brought it to his lips and gently kissed it. "It will be all right," he whispered, as he gently laid her hand back in her lap. Together, the family started the quiet drive home.


	17. Chapter 17

Not Letting You Go

Chapter 17

As the Eppes family pulled into the driveway of their much-loved Craftsman home, Charlie sat up. His father had stopped the car next to the walkway leading to the front door. Alan remembered Margaret's comment from a few days ago about wanting to walk Charlie back in the door he had been wheeled out of that terrible night. So as he shut off the engine Alan glanced at his wife who gave him a knowing smile. They all opened their doors, all except Charlie. Donnie made his way around the car to open Charlie's door. He knelt down next to the car looking in at Charlie.

"You ready to go in Buddy?"

Margaret was standing behind Donnie; Alan had already made his way to the trunk to retrieve the two duffle bags they had used, then waited at the end of the walk for Charlie to exit the car. Without a word Charlie slowly, with his brother's help, got out of the car. Alan went ahead to open the door, then turned to watch his family slowly approach.

Margaret had taken Charlie's arm, while Donnie walked close behind, just in case his brother's step wavered. Alan noticed tears on Margaret's face as she stepped through the sturdy wood doorway with her baby boy at her side. Just inside the entryway Margaret quietly asked, "Do you want to go upstairs or the couch, sweety?"

"Couch." Charlie's voice was barely heard, even in the quiet of the house.

Donnie turned, taking a bag from his father. As he neared the stairs he looked toward Charlie. "You want anything from upstairs Charlie?"

Charlie shook his head as his mother helped him sit down on the couch and Alan and Donnie headed up the steps.

Within a few minutes Donnie was back and looking toward the living room at his brother. "Where's mom?" He approached the couch.

"Kitchen." Charlie's one word answers were unnerving Donnie a bit.

Sitting down on the couch next to his baby brother Donnie asked quietly, "What's wrong?"

Charlie shot a nervous glance toward Donnie, then back to his lap. "I'm scared," he whispered.

Donnie looked at his brother a second. He was scared too, but he wasn't about to let it show.

"Of What?" Donnie asked, hoping his brother wasn't about to shutdown on him.

Charlie looked a little embarrassed, "Forget it…it's stupid." Charlie wouldn't make eye contact with Donnie. This really bothered Donnie, as over the past couple of days, since Charlie had woken up, Charlie was always looking at his brother, as if to make sure he was still there.

Donnie laid his hand on Charlie's. "Charlie, Buddy? If you're feeling it, it's not stupid. Now what are you scared of?"

Charlie finally made eye contact and whispered. "That you'll leave me."

"Oh Charlie," Donnie pulled his brother to him, "why would I leave you? I love you Charlie." Though Donnie knew the possibility that he and Charlie would be apart, with college looming in the not to distant future. He keep his main focus, right now, on comforting his brother.

"Because of what I did," Charlie's shaky voice tore at Donnie's heart. "I'm afraid you're ashamed of me for being weak."

**"You are not weak, do you understand?"** Donnie tried to keep his voice calm, but he wanted to make sure Charlie understood, Donnie didn't see him as weak. "You were confused, but I want you to understand, if you ever, ever feel even close to that way again, you come to me, okay?" Donnie's voice softened. "Okay?"

Charlie nodded, his voice barely a whisper, "Okay."

Margaret entered the room with a glass of orange juice for Charlie. "Here you go sweety, you should really rest some." She sat next to him as he accepted the glass, taking a small drink. He handed it back to her, then again sought comfort from his brother, who was still beside him on the couch. Donnie leaned back, getting into a more comfortable position, placing his feet up on the ottoman that was near the end of the couch. He allowed Charlie to get comfortable, giving his mother a reassuring smile. Margaret reached for the afghan on the back of the recliner, placing it over them. Charlie again quickly fell asleep. Donnie tilted his head back and soon followed his brother.

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Donnie awoke to the smell of, if he had to guess, beef stew; one of his brother's favorite meals, and his too, of course. He watched as his mother brought out the dishes, getting ready to set the table. He heard her voice muffle as she passed back through the door into the kitchen, no doubt talking to their father, who was famous for his stews and soups.

"Hey Charlie?" Donnie gently shook his brother's shoulder. "Hey, dad's fixin' beef stew, you'd better wake up." Charlie stirred slowly and sat up as Donnie continued, "We'd better wash up." Donnie stood, "I'll help you to the bathroom." Charlie took his brother's hand and allowed Donnie to pull him up. While still hearing their parents in the kitchen, the boys made their way down the hall to the bathroom.

"I can do this." Charlie looked at his brother as he slowly made his way into the bathroom.

Donnie nodded, "Okay, I'll be right here."

Donnie watched as Charlie closed the door. After a couple of minutes Charlie emerged, but stopped just outside the door. "I'll wait for you," he told Donnie, who just quickly washed his hands.

As they made their way into the dining room Margaret came through the door.

"Oh!" she exclaimed, slightly startled that they were near the table. "I was just about to wake you two." Margaret studied both of her boys. They both looked weary, as the whole family was. "I hope you're hungry, you know your father, he made enough stew for the whole street." A smile passed between the boys.

Just then Alan came through the door, carrying a large pot. "I heard that!" The boys chuckled. "You'll thank me later when you want some for a snack," Alan smiled.

Margaret leaned over and kissed her husband, "Of course, my dear."

"MOM!" Donnie whined at his mother's show of affection toward her husband, thus eliciting another chuckle from Charlie.

Soon the table was set and they each had a nice, hot bowl of Alan's beef stew. Quiet settled over the table as they all began to eat. Donnie watched Charlie closely as his brother stirred his stew more than he ate it. By the end of dinner Charlie, who normally would have requested seconds, had barely finished half of his bowl.

Charlie spoke first, "Thanks dad, that was good." He was sure his father had fixed it special for him, but just couldn't bring himself to eat any more of it.

"You're welcome Charlie. I'm glad you liked it." Alan tried to keep the worry out of his voice at how little his son had eaten.

Charlie slowly rose from his chair. "I think I'm gonna take a shower. If that's okay?"

Margaret watched her son. "That's fine sweetheart."

They all watched as Charlie made his way up the stairs. Once he was out of sight Donnie stood.

"I'm gonna head up too, just in case he needs any help." Donnie looked at his father, "Thanks for dinner dad." With that he too headed up the stairs.

Alan and Margaret heard the shower start, as they began to clear the table. "I'm just glad he's home," breathed an exhausted Margaret.

"Me too," Alan replied, picking up the stew pot and heading into the kitchen.

As Margaret started to load the dishwasher she glanced at Alan. "I'm going to call that doctor tomorrow, to see how soon he can see Charlie."

Alan was scraping and handing her the dishes. "That's a good idea. We shouldn't forget about the family sessions too. Especially for Donnie, this has been really hard on him."

"I know," Margaret continued, "I'm really proud of how he's handling everything, but you're right. He's always been good at hiding his emotions. We'll also need to make sure we talk to him about how he can handle it better, if Charlie was to becomes upset, like he did in the hospital, again. I don't think I have ever seen Donnie so angry, as he was at Dr. Sanders!"

Alan turned toward the cabinet to get out several small storage containers for the stew. "I'll talk to him about it," he commented. After several minutes of silence Alan looked at his wife; she was staring out the kitchen window. "Margaret?" He walked up behind her, "Margaret? You all right?" He saw her shoulders trembling and he gently wrapped his arms around her.

"We nearly lost him Alan," she whispered. "We nearly lost our baby." Her voice was so thick with emotion, he could barely understand her. She turned in his arms, burying her head into his chest.

"But we didn't." Alan kissed the top of her head. "We'll get through this. We'll help Charlie and it will make us a stronger family." He felt her nod in his arms, as they both tried to reassure and comfort one another.

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Donnie's bedroom was the closest to the bathroom so he sat in his room with the door open, just in case his brother needed him. When he heard the shower stop he walked and stood in his doorway. After a few minutes the bathroom door opened; Charlie emerged with a towel securely around his waist His normally unruly curls hung limp, nearly obscuring his face.

"You leave any hot water?" Donnie asked jokingly.

Charlie startled a bit, "What?"

Donnie could tell his brother had been crying again, as Charlie glanced at him. "You okay Charlie?" The big brother in Donnie hated seeing his brother this broken.

Charlie stopped at his bedroom door. "Just tired." He slowly entered his room. "Think I'm gonna go to bed, night Donnie." With that Charlie closed the door.

Donnie couldn't help, but worry, watching the door close. He went ahead to the bathroom to get his shower. He wanted to get done quickly, just in case. Donnie had taken his clothes in with him, so he was dressed when he left the bathroom. He stopped, looking at Charlie's, now partly-opened, door. He stepped closer to it, needing, just for his own peace of mind, to check on his brother. Memories of that night flooded his mind as he slowly pushed open the door, nearly making him sick.

"Charlie?" he whispered.

Part of his mind was relieved to not find his brother again on the floor, but he was worried when he didn't see him in the room at all. _'Maybe he went downstairs'_, he thought. Stopping by his room to grab his slippers, he was surprised to find his brother curled up on his bed. Donnie quietly sank to his knees next to the bed and gently brushed a curl from his brother's face.

"Donnie?" Charlie tiredly whispered.

"Yeah Buddy it's me. You all right?" Donnie's hand moved to his brother's arm.

"I can't…not tonight…is it okay if I stay in here?" Charlie's eyes opened slightly, but clearly he was exhausted.

"Yeah, sure…whatever you need." Donnie watched as relief passed over his brother's face, as his eyes drifted shut.

"Love you" Charlie whispered.

Donnie shuddered at the words, as they had been the last thing Charlie had mumbled that night before he stopped breathing in his arms. Trying to control his own shaky voice, Donnie whispered back, "Love you too Buddy."

He watched as Charlie drifted asleep. Donnie decided to let their parents know both Charlie and himself were turning in early. Returning to his room, he got his sleeping bag out of his closet. Rolling it out next to the bed, grabbing the extra pillow from the foot of his bed. Turning out the lights he laid down and slowly drifted to sleep to the soft sound of his brother breathing.

A couple of hours later as Margaret and Alan made their way to bed, they stopped at Charlie's room. At first slightly worried when they didn't see him, they were quickly relieved when they discovered him in Donnie's room. Shaking their heads at the discovery that Charlie was curled up in Donnie's bed, while Donnie was on the floor next to the bed in his sleeping bag. They watched for a few minutes, each sadly smiling at how so much had changed in the last week. _"God has it only been a week,"_ they both thought. Their world had been turned on end a short seven days ago, as they had nearly lost Charlie. Even though Charlie was home now they worried. They knew it would take time for things to get back to normal, but they were also starting to really worry about Donnie too. They could tell he was having a hard time containing his own emotions. He had always tried to control them, never wanting anyone to see him hurting. But over the last week he had taken on an almost haunted look in his eyes. His fear of nearly loosing his brother was becoming more than even the walls Donnie Eppes was known to build around his feelings could handle. It wasn't only Charlie who was going to be needing help understanding and getting past this, it was the entire family as well.


	18. Chapter 18

Not Letting You Go

Chapter 18

The next few days passed quietly. Margaret had obtained an appointment with Dr. Miller, the psychiatrist Dr. Sanders recommended. Alan had called the office to arrange going back to work on a part-time schedule for a few weeks. Margaret had put in for a leave of absence at the law firm where she worked. Neither had any problems getting the time needed. Everyone had wished Charlie well and told them to take their time. No one outside the family and a few close friends knew the truth to Charlie's 'illness', only that it would take time for his recovery. It was decided Donnie, albeit reluctantly on his part, would return to school within the week. Margaret had arranged with the school to have Charlie's work sent home with Donnie for the time being.

On the morning of Charlie's first appointment with Dr. Miller, Alan called Donnie into the garage. Stepping through the doorway, seeing his father, hands resting on his workbench, with his head down slightly. Donnie became concerned. "Is everything alright dad?"

Alan turned to face his son, motioning him further inside. "Donnie, we need to talk."

Donnie saw worry and concern cross his father's face. "Is something wrong?" Stopping in front of his father, Donnie leaned against the air hockey table.

Alan started to slowly pace. "You know Charlie's got his first appointment with Dr. Miller today, right?"

"Yeah." Donnie nodded.

Alan continued, "We're all going so we can meet the doctor and find out about the family sessions he offers." Donnie watched his father; having been told all this the day his mother had made the appointment, he wasn't exactly sure why his father was repeating it. "However, today's visit is for Charlie, I just…" Alan had stopped pacing and was now facing Donnie. "…You need to be prepared in case your brother becomes upset again, like he did in the hospital." Alan watched as understanding passed over his son's face.

"Dad, I lost my cool. I know. I didn't like seeing Charlie that scared…" Alan held his hands up, interrupting Donnie.

"I know son. I didn't like the idea of what happened either, especially when I saw how upset it made you. You have to understand though, Dr. Sanders said it was actually a good thing he reacted that way. Maybe not that severe, but it showed that what happened that night wasn't what Charlie truly wanted to happen." Alan blew out a frustrated breath, he didn't feel like he was making himself clear.

Donnie stepped forward, touching his father's shoulder, "Dad, what is it?"

Alan looked at his son. "I just want you to be prepared. You can't let Charlie see you get that upset, if he becomes upset. He could think it's his fault if you do, do you understand?" Alan hoped Donnie understood. He didn't want to end up pushing his eldest son away. So much of the family's attention the past couple of weeks had been almost solely on Charlie. Alan didn't want to make a mistake and inadvertently loose Donnie along the way.

"I know, Dad," Donnie met his father's concerned eyes. "Believe it or not I thought about that. I think that's why I waited to blow-up in the hospital until I was out of his room. I wanted him to stay calm. Dad, I'm serious about doing whatever it takes to help Charlie." Donnie gave his father a reassuring smile. "I'll keep it together. I promise."

Alan pulled his son to him, "I know you will." Alan was relieved Donnie understood, but he shouldn't have been surprised. Donnie had seemed to be, for the most part, handling what had happened rather well, but at the same time that worried Alan.

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Charlie was sitting cross-legged on his bed, lost in his own thoughts, when Margaret came in. "You okay sweety?" She sat on the bed next to him, noticing the little worn monkey in his lap, but didn't say anything about it.

"I'm not crazy, am I mom?" Charlie looked at his mother with a scared and confused look on his face.

"No honey, why would you ask that?" Margaret reached up, gently brushing a curl from his face.

"I don't know." Charlie mumbled, pulling at the same loose thread, he'd found in the hospital. "I just…I'm sorry mom, for what I put you all through. I didn't mean to." He met her gaze, tears forming in his eyes.

"Oh sweety." Margaret pulled him to her, whispering, "I know, I know." She held him a few minutes, then pulled back to see his face. "You about ready to go meet Dr. Miller?"

Charlie straightened up, putting his little monkey under his pillow. "I guess. He'll help right?"

Margaret kissed his forehead. "Yes baby, he will. Not only with this, but with what you might be feeling about your gift as well. But Charlie…" Charlie noticed the slight tone change in his mother's voice and watched her trying to figure out how she wanted to say what she was getting ready to say next. "Charlie, once you get to talking, there's a chance, just a little one, that you could get upset like you did in the hospital." Charlie's expression turned a little fearful. He clearly remembered the sudden realization of what he had tried to do and how he had become so upset he couldn't get his breath. However, he also remembered Donnie coming in and helping him to calm down. The knot that had just formed in his stomach at his mother's mention of a possible repeat episode, loosened some as he recalled his brother's soothing words and soft touch; rubbing his back, helping him to breath again.

Margaret continued. "Honey, if you feel like that is happening again, you becoming upset, you need to figure out a way to calm yourself down. Maybe you can think of something that you can focus on that will help you stay calm." Charlie looked at his mother for a second, then he closed his eyes. He sat that way a few minutes, causing worry to creep into Margaret's thoughts.

"Charlie?" She whispered.

A smile crossed his face as he took a deep breath and opened his eyes, "I think I've got something that will help me. I'm ready to go now." Charlie smiled more, noticing his mother's expression turn from worry to almost surprise.

"Okay then," She said getting up. "Let's get your father and brother and go meet Dr. Miller." When Charlie stood, he hugged his mother. Margaret was surprised, as Charlie rarely initiated physical contact. So she hugged him back tightly.

"I love you mom." He said, breaking away.

"I love you too sweety." Margaret returned as she followed her son out the door.

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The arrived at Dr. Miller's office about twenty minutes early. There was no-one else in the waiting area, so they were able to all sit together; Charlie sat between Donnie and his mother, Alan was on the other side of Margaret. The drive had been quiet, as each family member was lost in his or her own thoughts as to what to expect from this doctor.

As the appointment time neared they each sat up a bit straighter as they heard the door, leading to the inner office, open. A tall, middle-aged man came out. Though he didn't look very old in the face, his hair gave the older look of salt and pepper. Margaret, feeling tense about the whole thing, as she was sure the rest of the family was, relaxed some, as the man before them offered a kind smile.

"You must be the Eppes family?" Dr. Miller spoke warmly. He offered his hand to Alan, who was the first to stand.

"Dr. Miller?" Alan asked and the doctor nodded. "I'm Alan Eppes, this is my wife Margaret," the doctor shook her hand, as Alan continued, "These are our sons; Donnie and Charlie." The doctor noticed Charlie glance up, then quickly look back to the floor. The look from Donnie was a little harder to read. Dr. Miller recalled from reading the notes Dr. Sanders had sent over that Donnie very much wanted to protect his brother, but at the same time was desperately trying to control his own emotions. The only emotion that was readily apparent was anger, especially if he thought Charlie was threatened in any way.

Turning back to the parents in front of him he said, "It's nice to meet you all! If you'll follow me, I'll try to answer your questions and, if Charlie's up for it, we can have our first session today." They all followed the doctor into a spacious office. They were on the third floor, but the view from the windows was actually nice, as it looked down on a little green space just behind the building.

Donnie and Charlie sat on the couch near the window, while Alan and Margaret took the large leather chairs that sat in front of an equally large oak desk. The doctor rounded his desk and sat down. "First of all…" the doctor started, "how should I address you both?" he looked at Alan and Margaret.

Alan spoke, glancing at Margaret. "Alan and Margaret will be fine."

Dr. Miller jotted that down, "Okay, I want to let you know that I have read over the notes Dr. Sanders sent. I want to reassure you all," he continued, as he glanced at the boys as well as their parents, "I'll do my best to help Charlie as an individual and you all as a family. This has been, without a doubt, a traumatic experience for all of you. I will try to address each of your feelings about it." Dr. Miller refocused his attention on the parents before him. "My first course of action will be to talk with Charlie. I'd like to try and get some understanding as to who he is." the doctor smiled in Charlie's direction, and saw Donnie whispering to him. Dr. Miller recalled from the notes that Charlie had been relying on his brother for support and reassurance since he had regained consciousness.

"Then," the doctor continued, "after a few individual sessions, we can add some family sessions." Dr. Miller watched Alan and Margaret, making sure they understood everything he had been explaining. "Do you folks have any questions?" The doctor leaned back in his chair.

Margaret spoke first. "How long will each session last?"

"Well, today's will probably be the longest. I've got a couple hours blocked off for today. That's because I wanted to take time and get to know Charlie some." The doctor smiled toward Charlie again, who looked a little scared. "Then after that the individual sessions will probably run about an hour, family sessions a little longer."

Alan spoke next. "How will we know about Charlie's progress?"

"After each session, I'll discuss with you the general overall session." The doctor sat up slightly. "Now, even though Charlie is a minor, there still are patient/doctor confidentiality issues. When it is okay with Charlie I will share specifics about the sessions, but understand, you must respect Charlie's right to talk with me without worry of something he might not want shared-being passed on without his permission. That will apply to any individual sessions I hold with any of you. The information will be kept confidential, unless the individual feels the need to share what has been discussed. You also, must respect the matter of the sessions and not pressure the individual to know what was discussed." Dr. Miller noticed concern pass over Alan's and Margaret's faces, at the possibility of not knowing something concerning their sons. "Let me rephrase that a bit. If something is said that I feel could become harmful to the individual, or even those around them, I have an obligation to let you, as the parents of a minor in my care, to know. However, whatever else is discussed in the sessions will remain between my patient and myself."

Margaret voiced both her and Alan's concern, "We just don't want to be left out."

Dr. Miller gave a knowing nod, "I completely understand, believe me. You are not the first parents to worry about the care of their child being left to a stranger. Please understand, I have only Charlie's best interest in mind. If I feel there is something I believe he should share, I will strongly encourage an open communication between you both. I'm just asking that you respect Charlie's need to be as open with me as possible in order for me to help him through this." The doctor pushed his chair back and stood. "Now, If you don't have any further questions, I'd like to get to know Charlie a little better." Alan and Margaret followed the doctors lead by standing.

Donnie started to stand as well, but Charlie grabbed his arm. Donnie looked down into his baby brother's scared face, then knelt in front of him. "It's alright Charlie," Donnie reassured, "I'll be right outside and if you need me, I'm sure Dr. Miller will come get me, okay?" Donnie was relieved to see the doctor nod in agreement. Donnie smiled at Charlie, adding, "You're gonna be just fine Buddy." Donnie gave his brother's hand a gentle squeeze, then released it. Standing, he followed his parents out the door.


	19. Chapter 19

Not Letting You Go

Chapter 19

As Dr. Miller closed the door, Charlie pulled his feet up under him on the couch. He watched as the doctor proceeded to walk back to his desk, retrieve a file and note pad and then pull one of the leather chairs his parents had just vacated closer to the couch. Dr. Miller sat down facing Charlie and smiled.

The doctor watched his patient closely noticing that it seemed as if Charlie was trying to make himself as small as possible, by pulling his feet up under himself. As the doctor sat he also watched Charlie stiffen a bit. Dr. Miller spoke softly. "Charlie, as I said earlier, I'm Dr. Miller. I know you're nervous and probably a bit scared, but I want you to understand I want to help you, all right?"

Charlie finally raised his eyes to meet the doctor's gaze. Dr. Miller, getting his first really good look at Charlie, was instantly struck at how much younger than his thirteen years Charlie actually looked. Charlie didn't speak, so the doctor tried again. "I read the papers your parents filled out for me and I noticed you have a rather unique gift for numbers. Would you like to talk about that?"

The doctor noticed a spark in Charlie's eyes. As if he was contemplating some approach, but wasn't sure how to start, Charlie finally just shrugged his shoulders. That was something, wanting his patient to feel more comfortable Dr. Miller smiled, as he had a thought. "You know, I was never good at math myself. "The doctor sat back, noticing a slight roll of Charlie's eyes. "Didn't think I'd really ever needed it." Dr. Miller was tossing Charlie a line, hoping Charlie would take the bait. The doctor watched as Charlie's eyes seemed to come alive.

"Everything is numbers," Charlie whispered.

"How so?" Dr. Miller continued, "I don't think I us math that much. Maybe with my checkbook and a little here at the office, but that's about it."

Charlie couldn't help the chuckle that escaped. The doctor looked at him, "What?"

"You use math every day, for almost everything." Charlie sat up straighter. Dr. Miller smiled to himself; he knew if he'd gotten the door open, there was a good chance Charlie would walk the rest of the way through.

"How do you figure that?" Dr. Miller tried to sound unconvinced.

"How far do you live from here?" Charlie asked.

"About 35-40 miles, why?" The doctor watched as Charlie continued.

"How long does it take you to get here?" Charlie asked again.

"I don't know, I guess, depending on traffic, forty-five minutes to an hour." Dr. Miller watched as he could almost see Charlie's brain trying to work it out.

"Okay," Charlie spoke. "You figure how far you travel, right?" The doctor nodded. "You figure on how much time it takes to get here? Then you factor in the time of day; whether it's rush hour or not. You factor weather; whether it's raining or not. You adjust your time to factor in if you have any stops to make, right?" Charlie's eyes seemed to dance as he continued. "So you don't think any of that's about math, about numbers? It's all about numbers; time, distance, foreseen variables. You adjust your travel time accordingly and without even realizing it you've used math." Charlie smiled at the doctor's expression, he loved it when he could explain how numbers were truly everywhere.

"Wow!" Dr. Miller smiled, "I never looked at it that way."

"Most people don't." Charlie's voice dropped, along with his eyes. "Most people don't see things the way I do. So they don't understand what it's like." Charlie's expression turned to sadness.

"How do you see things Charlie?" Dr. Miller asked, seeing the veil slip some, to the inner Charlie.

"I don't know," Charlie started to fidget. "I see numbers in everything, nobody gets that. People try, but they never really get it." Charlie studied his fingernails intently.

"Like who Charlie? Who tries to understand, but doesn't?"

"My tutors. They try, but sometimes they get upset with me--like if I question the accuracy of something they're teaching. Others have gotten upset because I just know more than they do." Charlie's voice wavered some.

Dr. Miller nodded, "That's got to be tough."

Charlie slightly nodded his head. "Then there's those who don't even try to understand, that's worse." Charlie looked at the doctor. "Do you know what's it's like to have something so amazing in your head," Charlie pointed to his temple almost frantically, "but not be able to get it out where someone else can understand it?!" Charlie closed his eyes, he could feel himself getting upset. He knew this doctor wanted to help, but part of him was still feeling misunderstood. Charlie kept his eyes closed, taking deep breaths, he tried to focus on keeping himself calm. He allowed the image he had chosen back at home, in his room, to fill his mind. He allowed the image to wash through his being. This one thing he knew could keep him calm. So he sat.

The almost sudden, silent shut-down Charlie had just executed was a little unsettling for Dr. Miller. He knew some patients had coping strategies, but he had never had someone do the near-complete internal withdrawal he was witnessing now. He could tell Charlie was becoming upset, then he watched as Charlie closed his eyes. The doctor was almost getting the uneasy feeling that maybe Charlie wasn't aware that he was in the same room. "Charlie?" the doctor whispered, not wanting to startle him, "Charlie?"

It was almost another minute before Charlie opened his eyes. "Charlie? Are you okay?"

Charlie met the doctor's concerned gaze. "My mom told me to come up with something to focus on if I felt myself getting upset." Charlie looked apologetic.

Dr. Miller cleared his throat, "That's good Charlie. Is that what you were doing?"

"Yeah."

Not wanting to press, if Charlie didn't willingly want to share his coping mechanism, Dr. Miller asked his next question. "Charlie you said some people don't ever try to understand you, Who is that?"

Charlie's eyes drifted to the door. "People at school mostly, even some of the teachers. You know I'm gonna be graduating soon, but I'm only thirteen. I don't exactly have any friends my own age. Those at school who aren't leery of me because I'm smarter are…are mean to me because I'm smarter." Charlie's voice lowered to a near whisper, "Even Donnie." Charlie felt guilt wash over him as he thought about how much his brother had been there for him since that night. Dr. Miller noticed the look.

"Donnie's your brother right?"

Charlie nodded. "That wasn't a fair comment. Donnie's been there so much for me since everything happened…" The doctor could see the turmoil in Charlie's eyes, "But before."

"Before?" Dr. Miller was trying to prompt Charlie to continue.

"Before… I guess he treated me like someone he didn't care to understand." Charlie cleared his throat. "But he's trying now, I think."

Dr. Miller watched a multitude of emotions cross Charlie's face as he leaned forward. "Charlie, I want to ask you a really tough question, okay?" Charlie gave him a weary look. "Before now, how did you feel about your brother?"

Charlie looked everywhere in the room, but at the doctor, tears were forming in his eyes but had yet to fall. "Before now?" Charlie asked timidly. "I didn't think he liked me, or that he loved me. I thought he would like it better if I wasn't around messing up his life."

The doctor studied his patient closely. "What made you think you were messing up his life?"

"I took mom away from him. She has spent so much time with me, he hardly gets any of her time. I'm graduating with him, so I took that away from him too. We never talked, he never acted like he wanted me around, so I thought…" The tears finally made their escape from his eyes as they rolled down his cheeks past his quivering mouth. "I thought he'd be better off without me around. GOD!!" Charlie stood quickly and started pacing, "God I was wrong… How could I have put my family through what I did?"

As Dr. Miller watched Charlie moving about the room, he was hopeful that Charlie's indirect openness to his feelings was a good sign, as again the realization of what he had done that night became clear. The doctor was optimistic, that with time, he could get the child before him, as well as the family waiting, so willing to help, to understand. The feelings Charlie had that night and was possibly still having weren't wrong, but the actions he chose that night were.


	20. Chapter 20

Not Letting You Go

Chapter 20

Patience was never a virtue Donnie mastered. As time went by and the door separating him from his brother remained closed, he worried. He worried his baby brother was scared or upset and he couldn't help him. His parents had remained silent at his near-constant fidgeting, knowing it was his concern for Charlie fueling it.

After nearly an hour-and-a-half, the door finally opened and a surprisingly calm-looking Charlie emerged with Dr. Miller following behind. The family stood as they approached. Donnie stepped closer to his brother. "You okay Buddy?" His tone was cautious, full of concern.

Charlie gave his brother a reassuring smile, "Yeah Donnie, I'm good."

Dr. Miller turned his attention to Margaret and Alan. "This session went well. It took some time," he glanced at Charlie, "but we got to know each other some." The doctor watched as Donnie placed his hand on Charlie's shoulder. "I look forward to our next session." Looking back toward Margaret the doctor continued. "I'd like to see Charlie twice a week to start, then once the family sessions start that may change to once a week."

Margaret nodded, then spoke. "When will the family sessions begin?"

"I'll say probably in the next several weeks, that will give me a few sessions with Charlie. I'll also decide if I need to see any of you individually before those sessions start. Since today is Thursday, I'd like Charlie's next session on Monday, same time, if that's good for you?"

Margaret, glancing at Alan answered. "That will be fine. Thank you Dr. Miller." She shook his hand. Dr. Miller then shook Alan's.

Looking at Charlie, Dr. Miller gave his arm a light pat, "I'll see you Monday Charlie."

With that the family left, heading for an early dinner.

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Over the course of the next few weeks; Alan returned to work and Donnie to school. Charlie's tutors had started coming again, but on a reduced schedule. Charlie's sessions with Dr. Miller continued and he seemed, slowly, to be returning to he his old energetic self. The week before the family sessions were to begin Dr. Miller had asked Alan and Margaret if it would be okay to have an individual session with Donnie. Having reviewed the notes Dr. Sanders had made on the older boy, and having heard Charlie's revelations on the brothers' relationship, he wanted to get his own read on Donnie. Margaret and Alan agreed; they both had been hopeful that Donnie too would get a chance to talk with someone, but knowing how their eldest son was with his emotions they weren't really sure if he would even open up with Dr. Miller. So this is what found the family again sitting in the waiting room of Dr. Miller's office. This time Charlie was waiting with them, while Donnie was the one inside the office.

Dr. Miller sat, watching the older boy across the desk from him. He was curious to see what he would be willing to reveal. Charlie had mentioned that Donnie was never very open with how he felt, except when he was angry. Charlie had also talked of the up-and-down relationship the boys had shared. He had admitted with some relief that since that night nearly two months ago, their relationship had become closer. Donnie had started listening and talking with Charlie more. In Dr. Miller's opinion, that in of itself had helped Charlie's recovery a great deal. Now, it was Donnie's turn. The doctor could see an underlying current in the young man's eyes, but he also was able to see the carefully constructed walls the boy had built around himself, just by his posture in the chair. It conveyed a _'I don't really need to be here, so why am I?'_ attitude.

Donnie was uncomfortable being watched as he sat across from the doctor. "So?" He finally said.

Dr. Miller watched closely. "How have you been doing Donnie?" His voice calm, but concerned.

With a bit of defensive sarcasm he answered. "Just fine. How about yourself?"

Dr. Miller eyed Donnie a moment. This brother required a totally different approach. Leaning forward a little, he decided to be a little less coddling and a little more blunt with Donnie. "Look, I know you probably don't want to talk to me. You probably think you've got it all under control, but I've seen you with your brother, when he's come in and out of these sessions. Yes, you've been reassuring to him, you've been supportive, but do you know what else I see?" Donnie's expression took on a half-amused look, seemingly disinterested in what the doctor was going to say. Dr. Miller continued, "I see another scared kid each time I open the door to that waiting room." Dr. Miller saw something flicker in Donnie's eyes, something that showed he was hitting closer to the truth than the teenager was willing to admit.

"Oh yeah?" Donnie leaned back further into the chair. Feeling the unease in the truth the doctor had just spoken. Still trying to remain his seemingly; composed, defiant self, he allowed a smirk to appear on his face. "and just what am I afraid of?" Donnie was putting on his brave face. He wasn't going to admit he was terrified each and every day, when his brother wasn't in his sight. He was afraid something would happen to him and Donnie wouldn't be able to help him.

The doctor held Donnie's gaze. "You're afraid you're going to open that door and your little brother is going to be on that floor again. You're still afraid you could loose him."

The change was almost instantaneous. Donnie's bravado was gone as he quickly stood and leaned angrily on the desk, "What would you know?" His voice was almost menacing.

Dr. Miller calmly controlled his answer. "I know Charlie was afraid he'd messed up your life. That you didn't care about him. He thought you'd be better off without him…"

Donnie slammed his hand down, "HE"S WRONG!" Donnie ran his hand through his hair and started pacing.

"How's he wrong Donnie?"

Donnie turned, looking at the doctor. "I've ALWAYS, always loved my brother, from the day he was born. Yeah…" he continued his pacing. "He'd get on my nerves, but that's what little brothers do, right?" Dr. Miller nodded. "I was afraid…" Donnie's words stumbled some. "I was afraid when we found out how smart he was. He didn't need me anymore, he didn't need me to teach him stuff, to show him things." Donnie's emotions were taking control and he hated that, but he couldn't stop them. "I felt he didn't need me anymore, so I withdrew from him. I didn't mean to, I just did. I didn't understand most of what he talked about, so I didn't even try." Donnie was across the room now, looking out the window, his voice lowered. "It was my fault."

Dr. Miller rounded his desk and was now leaning against it. "What was your fault Donnie?"

Donnie turned, the words coming out before he realized. "That Charlie tried to kill himself." Donnie froze. His eyes took on a complete and utterly terrified look. It was the first time he had said it aloud. In all the weeks that had passed, he had never said it aloud. Pure fear was in his voice as he looked at Dr. Miller. "Oh God! My baby brother tried to kill himself, because I pushed him away."

Somehow--later nobody clearly understanding how--Charlie had some how slipped into the room unnoticed. Whether it was hearing his brother's raised voice that drew him, or a deeper connection only two brothers could share; a 'knowing' so deep that one's pain was also felt by the other--regardless, something drew Charlie into the room. Silently he listened and watched as his big brother spoke those words, tears streaming down his face.

"It wasn't your fault Donnie." Charlie's voice broke the silence of the room. Dr. Miller and Donnie both turned, hearing Charlie's wobbly voice.

Dr. Miller finally spoke, "Charlie you're not supposed to be in here right now." There was no anger in the doctor's voice, just concern.

"Charlie?" Donnie's voice cracked at the sight of his baby brother.

Charlie ignored Dr. Miller and focused on Donnie. "I know I shouldn't be in here, this is your time, but I felt it here…" Charlie raised his hand to his heart, his eyes on his brother. "I knew that you needed me, just like you felt I needed you that night. You listened and came. I had to do the same." Dr. Miller watched in silence as Charlie neared his big brother. "Donnie, what I did wasn't your fault." Charlie stopped in front of Donnie. "I wasn't thinking. I was scared, I didn't think I had anyone to turn to, but I was wrong. I almost died--I did die." Charlie's voice wavered. "Because I was afraid to ask you for help. I know, I've always known, if I just asked you, you would help me." Tears silently rolled from both boys eyes. "I let my own judgment get messed up with self-pity. When I…" Charlie hesitated, then said the words they had all so far avoided, straightening his stand, lifting his chin a little. "When I tried to kill myself; that's on me. I couldn't see past myself at what I had. I had a family who cared about me and who loved me. Donnie…I had you!"

Dr. Miller was in awe of how much the younger boy had come to realize in their sessions. Now, he was so desperately trying to help his brother understand. The emotions of the moment was thick and heavy in the room, and the doctor stood in silence to see how it was handled by each brother.

Charlie reached for Donnie's face, brushing a tear aside. "Donnie you were there for me. You found me when I needed you the most. You came when you knew I needed you. Donnie **you** saved me from myself." With that Charlie stepped to his brother, putting his arms around Donnie's waist, burying his face into his brother's chest, Charlie whispered. "Thank you for saving me."

Donnie's resolve broke. He wrapped his arms around his brother tightly, holding on as if his life depended upon it. To some degree, Donnie felt it did. Donnie's emotions began to roll off him in strong waves; he felt his breath shudder, as the flood gates opened and the enormity of the past weeks hit him. He felt his knees buckle and his brother's grip tighten.

"Donnie!?" Charlie's panicked voice got Dr. Miller's attention as he rushed forward, helping Charlie get Donnie to the couch, just a few steps away. "Donnie?" Charlie voiced again, looking into his brother's eyes. Never had he seen his brother like this. It frightened him some, but also helped him understand the depth of his brother's feelings.

Donnie placed his hand behind Charlie's head. "I'm okay," he managed to get out between deep breaths. "We're okay?"

Charlie again embraced his brother whispering, "Yes, we are."

Watching from a few feet away, the doctor was surprised to find himself wiping his own tears. Never had he let his emotions get to him while with a patient. Yet what had just transpired was a once-in-a-career event and it left him feeling totally convinced that everything was going to be all right with his patients.


	21. Chapter 21

Not Letting You Go

Chapter 21

A week after the impromptu session with both Donnie and Charlie, Dr. Miller decided to start the family sessions. For the most part these ended up straightforward sessions. Each family member was able to come to terms with the incident that terrible night, as well as with other events inside the family.

Alan came to realize he wasn't really angry about the fact his wife and youngest son would more-than-likely be moving to the other side of the country, but that he was afraid of being left behind. Margaret helped him understand that everything would be okay. Although it would undoubtedly be tough sometimes, but the love they shared for one another would see them through.

Margaret also came to realize, though it didn't come out in a session, that she hoped Charlie would never find out about that first night in the hospital. She knew if he ever did find out about what she had said and done to Donnie, he would be absolutely heartbroken, and that realization showed her that she needed to clear something up with her eldest son. So one day after they had returned home from Dr. Miller's, while Alan and Charlie were making a supermarket run, she called Donnie to join her on the back porch.

Donnie came out the door. Seeing his mother staring off into space he quietly asked, "Mom you okay?" He sat down next to her and waited for her to answer.

"Donnie," she took a deep breath, "that night in the hospital… I am so sorry for what I did to you…"

"Mom…" Donnie tried to interrupt, but Margaret stopped him.

"No, Donnie. You need to understand, I was wrong. I wasn't thinking straight. We thought we were loosing your brother, then I saw that note…" Her breath shuddered as her voice cracked, "I was so very, very wrong to direct that fear and anger toward you. I will never be able to forgive myself for striking you that night or for what I said." Margaret reached and took his hand. "No parent should ever do that to her child." She looked into her son's face, seeing only understanding and forgiveness in his eyes. "I just wanted you to know I was wrong and I love you dearly. I always have and I always will."

Donnie leaned over, pulling his mother into a tight hug. "Mom, I forgave you that night. We were all messed up those few days, but we're getting better. I love you too mom." Margaret smiled at her son, seeing only love in his eyes. She kissed his cheek, gently touching his face with her hand. He smiled at his mother, the smile that always warmed her heart when she saw it on his face. He placed his hand over hers. They sat like that for several minutes, until they heard the front door open and Charlie yelling for his brother, no doubt wanting to reveal some amazing math tidbit he had discovered while at the store.

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Charlie was able to return to school, finishing out his last month-and-a-half before graduation. As it quickly approached, both boys became anguished about what lay ahead for them. Donnie had accepted a baseball scholarship at a local university. Charlie, with his parents urging, had accepted a full-ride scholarship to Princeton.

Graduation went smoothly, both boys crossing the stage together, beaming in the pictures Alan took of them afterward. The following weekend a large celebration was happening at the Eppes household, with dozens of family and friends in attendance.

As the party wore on Donnie noticed he didn't see his brother floating around the room and went in search for him. After several minutes of searching, surprisingly, Donnie found Charlie in the last place he ever expected; the garage. Donnie usually could only get Charlie out there for a game of air hockey. Yet that's were he found him, sitting on their father's workbench.

"Hey Buddy, you okay?" Donnie walked over and leaned up against the hockey table.

Charlie looked at his brother. "Just needed some space. Too many people in the house."

Donnie was nodding his head in agreement. "Know what you mean. Aunt Irene still can't believe I haven't been locked up for something with all the time I spent in trouble in school." Donnie laughed as he said that, and Charlie chuckled. As Donnie looked closer at Charlie, he noticed his brother had a cross between a worried and a fearful expression on his face. "What's wrong?" Donnie walked over, hoping up onto the workbench next to his brother.

"I'm a little scared." Charlie looked shyly toward Donnie.

"About what?"

"Us," Charlie whispered.

"What about us?" Donnie placed a reassuring hand on his brother's back.

"Well," Charlie cleared his throat. "You're gonna be here and I'm gonna be in New Jersey. We've gotten so close the last few months. I'm just afraid we'll loose that. It's been nice." Charlie smiled sadly.

"Yeah it has been nice," Donnie smiled back. "But look, just because we're that far apart, doesn't mean we can't stay close. After all, you **are** a genius, surely you know how to use a telephone, right?" Donnie gave his brother a playful shove.

"I guess you're right." Charlie mumbled.

"WHAT! What was that?" Donnie mocked surprise, "Did I just hear **you** say **I** was **right?**"

Charlie grinned big at his brother, "Yeah, okay. But I'll never say it again." Charlie laughed.

"Oh come on Chuck, one more time. I'll probably never hear it again." Donnie moved his hands as if to tickle Charlie. The younger brother quickly jumped from the bench and rounded to the other side of the air hockey table.

"Never!" Charlie laughed, "I'll never repeat it and STOP CALLING ME CHUCK!"

Charlie tore out the door as Donnie jumped down from the bench and gave chase. Finally he caught Charlie near the koi pond, tickling him until he said it again. Alan and Margaret watched from the kitchen window, arms wrapped around one another. They had a house full of family and friends behind them as they watched their two boys outside, wrestling in the backyard in front of them; and they would be thankful, everyday, for moments like these.

a/n: This may seem like the end, but we've got one more to go.

Thank you all for sticking it out with me, your wonderful.


	22. Chapter 22

Not Letting You Go

Chapter 22

He found himself sitting on the floor of his bedroom in the dark. It was amazing the memories that came to a person when he least expected them. Those six months, nearly twenty years ago, had been both some of the worst and best of his life.

He remembered that day, long ago, in the garage; the worry that the closeness they had begun to share would be lost with the start of college, both of them on different coasts. Neither thought, at the time, they would loose that closeness. However, somehow over the years they did. At first they called regularly, but soon college life and all the other trappings of the post-high school world, got in the way. Their weekly calls, turned into monthly, then to just holidays and birthdays. They would occasionally see each other over major holidays.

As Charlie graduated Princeton, leaving the country to attend Oxford, Don was graduating with his pre-law degree and moving on into minor league baseball. Contact became even more sporadic. They again seemed to be in two different worlds.

After a few years in the minors, Don realized he would never move up and much to his family's surprise and dismay, he applied to the FBI. While his application was processed, he took a position on a small town police force about an hour north of L.A.

Charlie, in the meantime, had returned to the states with at least two doctorates under his belt. Becoming the youngest tenured professor at the prestigious California Institute of Science, it being within minutes of his childhood home.

Before long Don was gone on his own quest to the east coast in Quantico, Virginia at the FBI Academy. Once graduating, near the top of his class, Don spent time in Fugitive Recovery--a fact that drove his parents crazy with worry. After that, he quickly moved up through the ranks to become one of the youngest Special Agents in Charge of his own office in New Mexico.

It ended up being several years before the brothers spoke to or saw one another again. Then it was under the shadow of their mother's illness, which eventually claimed her life. During that period, it was as if the brothers had never been close. Don resented Charlie for getting lost in his numbers as their mother died. Charlie, unable to explain the compulsion to work on an unsolvable math problem, withdrew almost completely from his family.

As those dark days passed, Don and Charlie, slowly found common ground again. This time it was in Don's FBI work. Charlie was able to prove his numbers could help out on more than just financial and fraud cases. Through this, they began to understand each other again; to slowly become a much needed part of one another's lives again.

As he sat in the darkness he couldn't help but smile, thinking over the last couple of years. It had been nice to be close again. However for the past several weeks--months if he was really honest with himself--he had begun to feel a darkness creep into his soul, that even his brother couldn't help banish. He began to feel like he wasn't important. He was afraid he was becoming a liability to those around him. He began an almost constant second-guessing of himself. As he sat there allowing the darkness of the room to intermingle with the darkness of his soul, he studied the object on the floor in front of him.

Never feeling more alone than at this moment the memories of those days, all those years ago washed over him, taking his breath. Is this what his brother felt that night? The despair of feeling alone, of having no-one to talk to, filled Don's eyes with tears. He hadn't cried in years and now, now he couldn't seem to stop the silent tears that fell.

The feeling that he had let the people around him down mingled with the after-effects of the seemingly bad judgment call he had made yesterday; a call that had nearly cost him two members of his team. As if that weren't horrendous enough? One of them had been his own brother. His own despair and inability to focus had nearly cost him the most important person in his life. They had again grown close, only for that priceless relationship to have been nearly lost.

His mind replayed the event, like a torturous dream on a never-ending loop. Don had let Charlie talk him into riding along. They were going to pick-up what they thought was a low-level drug dealer, hoping he'd lead to the one calling the shots. Even with the thought of it being a 'routine' bust, the team was suited up in their Kevlar vests. He had parked the SUV a few houses down and told Charlie to stay safely behind it. Charlie, being Charlie, kept looking around the corner as the team approached the house. Things took a downward turn as Charlie heard shouting coming from the house, then gunfire. Worry for Don, out weighing his clearer thinking, caused Charlie to stand up from behind the vehicle, in time to see a suspect jump from a side window and run, he'd just jumped from, with Colby and David close behind. The man turned and fired a shot behind him, hitting Colby, knocking him off his feet. As the man turned back, still headed for Charlie, Don's voice could be heard yelling for Charlie to get down. In those seconds, time went into slow motion as Charlie saw the gun raised in his direction. Don watched as the man fired and Charlie jerked, hitting the side of the truck, then dropping out of sight, behind. Several shots rang out as another unit that had been summoned once shots were fired, showed up, taking out the shooter. Don remembered yelling his brother's name as he rounded the SUV, with Megan close behind. Don froze at the scene before him. His little brother; the one he had vowed so long ago to protect, was lying, seemingly lifeless on the ground, bleeding from his arm and a gash on the side of his head. Don dropped next to him, instinctively checking for a pulse. Upon finding one, he had started to call his brother's name, as Megan, put pressure on Charlie's arm. Charlie's eyes opened as the medics arrived. Don rode with him to the hospital.

Colby had been hit in the vest, bruising some ribs. Charlie ended up with a mild concussion and a grazing wound on his upper arm. Once Alan arrived at the hospital, Megan having gone and gotten him, both Eppes men waited as Charlie slept off the concussion. He was released a few hours later, but that didn't help with the feelings that had been playing through Don's mind ever since the shooting. He knew it was stupid to have taken Charlie out with him, he should have known. The team had thought it would be and easy take-down and that David and Colby could process the guy once he was in custody while Don and Charlie headed back to the office to start running the information found at the guys house, hopefully lead to a bigger score. However, now sitting in the dark, he knew that he should have known better. No bust was ever routine. Fact was, he had made a bad call, nearly costing his brother his life.

He reached and picked up his service weapon; that was almost an extension of his own body, and he looked at it. He stopped as the thought '_was this what Charlie felt with those pills in his hand, so long ago?"_ It scared Don to think his brother had ever felt this empty and lost. He closed his eyes, letting the feelings from that night wash over him.

The shear terror of finding his baby brother like that, of him dying in his arms in the hall. The panic as he recalled doing CPR on his lifeless brother. 'NO!', Don thought to himself. He couldn't put his brother through what he had gone through, the helplessness to stop what was happening, the unfathomable feeling of your heart and soul being ripped out as someone you cared about so deeply died before you.

His thoughts were interrupted by the squeak of the floorboards in the hallway. Don quickly slid his gun under the bed behind him as the door opened.

"Don?" He heard his brother's quiet voice as Charlie pushed the door open. "Don, you okay?" Charlie saw the tears reflecting off his brother's face from the light in the hall. Slowly Charlie made his way over, sitting down next to his big brother. "It wasn't your fault." Charlie spoke softly, noticing Don looking at the white bandage around his upper arm, reaching to gently touch it.

"I almost got you killed." Emotion was so thick in Don's voice, Charlie barely understood him.

Charlie placed his free hand over Don's as it hovered around the bandage. "If I had stayed down behind the car, like you said, nothing would have happened. It was my fault, not yours. Besides, I'm okay. Don, look at me." Don's eyes slowly met his brother's. "I'm okay, but I'm worried about you." Charlie wiped a tear from his brother's face.

Don's resolve broke. "I'm scared, Charlie. I'm starting to feel…I don't know…useless." Don barely whispered.

"DON'T EVER SAY THAT!" Charlie's voice rose slightly in anger. "You have NEVER been useless." Charlie's voice softened. "Maybe you should talk to somebody." Charlie watched his brother's reaction, and was surprised to see Don nod in agreement. "You know you can always talk to me." Don looked at him questioningly. "Don, you know you can come to me about anything, right?"

Don couldn't help the chuckle that escaped him. "Isn't that my line?"

"Works both ways Bro," Charlie smiled.

"Thanks, Charlie." Don looked into his lap, visualizing the gun he had just hidden. "You've got good timing, you know?'

"I felt it here." Charlie reached, placing his hand over his brother's heart. "I felt you needed me and I came." Charlie watched his brother's eyes drift to his hand on Don's chest. Don gently laid his hand over it. "You okay now?" Charlie asked.

Don's eyes met his and with the hint of a smile he answered. "I will be."

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Author's note: Well this is the end of this journey. For those of you who have stuck it out with me I give a huge THANK YOU!!!

I want to take the time to thank you all for the reviews you all have so kindly given, I guess I never realized how positive of an effect such wonderful reviews can give the writer. But they do. I will try and be better at posting reviews on stories I read. You all helped keep me motivated. Thank you all again for sticking with me and I really hope I gave an ending that fit the story.

I also want to take this chance and thank the person responsible for helping me become a better writer: FraidyCat. She has been my wonderful Beta. She also helped me when I ran into a writer's block and wasn't sure how to continue without bogging the story down. I feel her suggestions to me along the way helped me become a better writer; I hope you all agree. So again a hardy: THANK YOU to FraidyCat.

Saying that, any glaring errors were all me, grammar was never my strong suit. I'll leave you now with a quote I saw where I work, that once I thought about it, really is inspiring.

Shoot for the moon.

Even if you miss

You'll land among the stars.

-author unknown-

Montez


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